11-14-2025, 06:12 AM
It’s fairly compressed, from what I see. I’d recommend splitting some parts up. For example repetition one - white space - repetition 2. It’ll make it easier to read and can help with how emotional it may be read as. What I’d do in the repetitions maybe lose the “the” in some repetitions. It can help with focus and mental fatigue.
The middle stanza could become
Widely split
By overwhelming silence.
Floods of flame,
Erasing pride
His voice … drowning,
As if breath had been -
Taken away.
His eyes empty,
As if swallowing me whole
To vanish within.
Hope, fear
My pyre.
God tasted my fire,
To taste himself.
The glass mirror,
Liquified, the frame stands.
Standing taller than I could.
I’m lost
Inside his name,
Meaningless meaning
Was bron.
This is a slight rework focused on shortening lines yet still carrying the meaning you meant. It is just meant to give an outlook what it could be instead of what is. The section is dense. Sometimes the densest poems are just a few lines.
Overal it’s a solid piece, i gave you all the tips I have. And good look writing on.
The middle stanza could become
Widely split
By overwhelming silence.
Floods of flame,
Erasing pride
His voice … drowning,
As if breath had been -
Taken away.
His eyes empty,
As if swallowing me whole
To vanish within.
Hope, fear
My pyre.
God tasted my fire,
To taste himself.
The glass mirror,
Liquified, the frame stands.
Standing taller than I could.
I’m lost
Inside his name,
Meaningless meaning
Was bron.
This is a slight rework focused on shortening lines yet still carrying the meaning you meant. It is just meant to give an outlook what it could be instead of what is. The section is dense. Sometimes the densest poems are just a few lines.
Overal it’s a solid piece, i gave you all the tips I have. And good look writing on.