11-12-2025, 04:37 AM
Hello!
I actually think Snow White is a strong choice for the poem, and I like the choice to set her name in lowercase as a sort of erasure. The message is very vividly depicted with very strong imagery, and the simplicity of it all does wonders for it. In particular, the final two lines are incredibly strong.
I also love the ambiguity of the 'you' - is it a lover? doctor? men as a concept?
My main issue lies in the erroneous use of punctuation, mixture of dashes, semicolons, emdashes, etc.
'an angel, pale and bleak;
so you take her' This semicolon would work better as a full stop.
'To you - at best,' in particular would be better as another comma, or as a pair of emdashes, but then you risk overloading it with emdashes.
I also think that for all the wonderful imagery you've used 'my rotten body' is a little direct, and is a bit too early in the piece to be a shocking punch.
Otherwise, very solid job.
I actually think Snow White is a strong choice for the poem, and I like the choice to set her name in lowercase as a sort of erasure. The message is very vividly depicted with very strong imagery, and the simplicity of it all does wonders for it. In particular, the final two lines are incredibly strong.
I also love the ambiguity of the 'you' - is it a lover? doctor? men as a concept?
My main issue lies in the erroneous use of punctuation, mixture of dashes, semicolons, emdashes, etc.
'an angel, pale and bleak;
so you take her' This semicolon would work better as a full stop.
'To you - at best,' in particular would be better as another comma, or as a pair of emdashes, but then you risk overloading it with emdashes.
I also think that for all the wonderful imagery you've used 'my rotten body' is a little direct, and is a bit too early in the piece to be a shocking punch.
Otherwise, very solid job.