11-11-2025, 09:29 PM
Okay I have revised it again, and think this latest version is getting close. I went with most of your suggestions, but while I was doing more research I discovered that Jefferson did not let his slave children use his surname, they were "Hemings" until after his death. I felt I had to include this in my poem, so I re-wrote that couplet I could not get to flow, I think this version "They share my blood, but not my soul nor name; / I claim their flesh, unmoved by guilt or shame." is better but I suspect the meter is off, but eh.
I thought a lot about the last line, whether it should be "So" or "But". Originally, the last line mirrored the line about the earth being for the living not the dead by calling his slaves "half-dead", so the "So" was more obvious, then when I changed that I kept the "So" because Jefferson did not think of them as people, but on reflection it does scan oddly, so I am trying the "But". The idea about changing the punctuation in the line about "the voice of others" is just perfect, it gives the poem a moment where he almost achieves self-awareness and is such a small and clever change that I would have never thought of myself.
I thought a lot about the last line, whether it should be "So" or "But". Originally, the last line mirrored the line about the earth being for the living not the dead by calling his slaves "half-dead", so the "So" was more obvious, then when I changed that I kept the "So" because Jefferson did not think of them as people, but on reflection it does scan oddly, so I am trying the "But". The idea about changing the punctuation in the line about "the voice of others" is just perfect, it gives the poem a moment where he almost achieves self-awareness and is such a small and clever change that I would have never thought of myself.