Jeffersonian Olympics (CW: Slavery, racism, white supremacy)
#2
(11-10-2025, 08:57 PM)Mostly Holy Wrote:  “Jeffersonian Gymnastics”

We hold these truths to be self-evident  Good start
That Black folk lack our white endowment  ouch - missing foot
Inferior still in body and in mind  "still" is meter-defeating filler
Best housed apart, as Nature hath designed  "hath" implies a religious rationalization Jefferson (a theist) doesn't exemplify
The tree of liberty drinks tyrants’ blood  another good start
While slaves drink lashes, and I call it good  aside from the eye-rhyme, the image doesn't work

I proclaim all men to be my equal  missing first (unstressed) foot - could be OK stressing "I" but a filler might work - "So I..."
Yet my own child’s skin is dark, near treacle meter problems again - sug. "Yet my own child's a darky, skin like treacle

I tremble still that God is stern and just  perhaps a filler other than "still" - "now" perhaps
Yet trust He’ll wink at my familiar lust  "familiar" suggests family - good.  But more emphasis - "untrammeled," perhaps
They bear my blood, but not my name’s reserve  a forward-looking forced rhyme.  Also, need punctuation (see below) - a colon here, for example
To own them is the justice I deserve

They claim I preach of liberty holding chains meter is kind of a mess here... maybe, "Do I preach liberty while holding chains?"
But they just lack my noble white man’s brains
They say my words were light, my deeds a shadow could perfect rhyme (to "shadows") with "my deeds their shadows"
That I sold fellow men to labour’s gallows  again, the image doesn't work here
Freedom spoke through me: The voice of others  excellent first clause, but the rest of this couplet is incoherent
My comforts built on weeping backs of mothers

The earth belongs to life and not the dead  This line is effectively filler leading into the (good) concluding one... could it use "dread?"
So let my dark-skinned chattel bake my bread



Is the intended tone coming across from this? It is part of a series about historical monsters, the same series my poem about Cicero belongs to, but idk if this one is too much.
In intensive critique (which your P.S. suggests you may not quite have wished), your theme and tone do come across as, I think, you intended - contrast between Jefferson's public statements (and actions), and his private sins.  The recitation of modern talking points on this subject is reasonably complete.

But, as Hawkman said in that vein, "You've got to do better."  Use of line-leading capitalization gets a pass, but lack of line-end punctuation is a serious problem when some thoughts need to be set off as consequences of others, and some as new beginnings.

Meter is made to be (seldom) broken once you've established it.  Like the phrasing punctuation would define if you used it, meter is worth doing and would enhance the work and its impact.

So, as a framework for what you intend (description of a monster) this is not bad.  As a completed work, even as part of a series, it needs considerable refinement.  I hope the above suggestions help.
feedback award Non-practicing atheist
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RE: Jeffersonian Olympics (CW: Slavery, racism, white supremacy) - by dukealien - 11-11-2025, 01:10 AM



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