11-07-2025, 10:07 PM
What an interesting poem. I shall attempt to critique it along the lines of method, manner, and matter, altho I am not sure that is appropriate for this channel, so please forgive me if I over-step.
Method: Free verse sonnet, your line breaks are mostly good but a couple of odd ones:
> Tall bum Sandman,
The comma at teh end kills the flow
> The humid summer fleets and runs for / A great escape
This break feels stylistic rather than purposeful, I think the break would scan better after "fleets" or "runs"
There is some tonal clash too, lines like “tea-silly skinny bums” read like a colloquial euphemism, while “dredges along / Old sad college New Haven” is too formal. “College of Yale New Haven” sounds like a line from a brochure, not a poem
Manner: You repeat the word "bum", but do not intensify the imagery with each use, so it starts to seem monotonous. “Tea-silly skinny bums” is a great line, very weird and intriguing, but most of your other images are more generic and you are relying too much on adjectives instead of concrete images. “Bone deep chill” is cliche, your poem deserves more striking and original images. If you were to lean into the "tea-silly" line and make your visuals more surreal, I think this could be a really interesting poem.
Matter: Idk anything about homelessness, and I have never been to New Haven, but the theme of desperate poverty in a place of privilege is a strong one. I feel you are trying to set up Sandman as iconic, and I certainly sympathised with him, but you also objectify him, which weakens the message. Idk if this is intentional, painting the narrator as no better than anyone else who simply sees a drug-raddled bum when they look at Sandman, but I feel the poem would work better with a stronger moral tone, something more satirical, perhaps, or a more earnest social sketch
As I say, I am not sure what "mid to moderate critique" means, so if I have droned on about things you did not want or ask for advice about, I apologise. I do think the idea has legs, but at the moment it falls a little flat
Method: Free verse sonnet, your line breaks are mostly good but a couple of odd ones:
> Tall bum Sandman,
The comma at teh end kills the flow
> The humid summer fleets and runs for / A great escape
This break feels stylistic rather than purposeful, I think the break would scan better after "fleets" or "runs"
There is some tonal clash too, lines like “tea-silly skinny bums” read like a colloquial euphemism, while “dredges along / Old sad college New Haven” is too formal. “College of Yale New Haven” sounds like a line from a brochure, not a poem
Manner: You repeat the word "bum", but do not intensify the imagery with each use, so it starts to seem monotonous. “Tea-silly skinny bums” is a great line, very weird and intriguing, but most of your other images are more generic and you are relying too much on adjectives instead of concrete images. “Bone deep chill” is cliche, your poem deserves more striking and original images. If you were to lean into the "tea-silly" line and make your visuals more surreal, I think this could be a really interesting poem.
Matter: Idk anything about homelessness, and I have never been to New Haven, but the theme of desperate poverty in a place of privilege is a strong one. I feel you are trying to set up Sandman as iconic, and I certainly sympathised with him, but you also objectify him, which weakens the message. Idk if this is intentional, painting the narrator as no better than anyone else who simply sees a drug-raddled bum when they look at Sandman, but I feel the poem would work better with a stronger moral tone, something more satirical, perhaps, or a more earnest social sketch
As I say, I am not sure what "mid to moderate critique" means, so if I have droned on about things you did not want or ask for advice about, I apologise. I do think the idea has legs, but at the moment it falls a little flat