11-07-2025, 03:23 AM
wow! this one hits hard. it’s got that classical grandeur, but the voice is unmistakably modern and self-aware, like a fallen statesman giving his own eulogy. the rhyme and meter are tight without feeling stiff, and that gives the speaker’s hypocrisy an unsettling elegance.
the opening image — “a splendid peacock upon the Senate floor” — instantly sets the tone: vanity dressed in authority. from there, the poem keeps escalating, each couplet more damning than the last. i especially love “i stabbed with syntax” — it’s vicious and clever, the perfect metaphor for rhetoric turned into violence.
if i had to nitpick gently: the third stanza (“i saved the Republic…”) might benefit from a slightly more varied rhythm; it’s beautifully written, but a pause or break (maybe an em dash or enjambment) could give one of those lines a deeper punch, like letting us feel the self-disgust before he toasts himself.
heres what you could change or explore further, ((without rewriting your lines)):
voice clarity: the speaker feels halfway between a single historical figure and a symbolic archetype — you might decide which one you want the reader to hear more clearly. if it’s an individual, a few more personal details or confessions could sharpen the emotional focus.
third stanza pacing: the rhythm here is slightly uniform compared to the other stanzas. adding a subtle pause or internal break might give more emotional weight to the self-reflection (“i saved the republic…”). right now it flows a bit too smoothly for the bitterness it carries.
emotional temperature: most of the poem holds a steady tone of proud cynicism. consider giving one or two flashes of doubt, regret, or self-loathing — just brief ones — to deepen the humanity behind the arrogance.
imagery variation: your metaphors lean heavily on politics, speech, and performance (which works great thematically). maybe one or two tactile or sensory images — smoke, blood, marble, echoes — could ground the grandeur in something different, in a way??
hope this helps! all love
x
the opening image — “a splendid peacock upon the Senate floor” — instantly sets the tone: vanity dressed in authority. from there, the poem keeps escalating, each couplet more damning than the last. i especially love “i stabbed with syntax” — it’s vicious and clever, the perfect metaphor for rhetoric turned into violence.
if i had to nitpick gently: the third stanza (“i saved the Republic…”) might benefit from a slightly more varied rhythm; it’s beautifully written, but a pause or break (maybe an em dash or enjambment) could give one of those lines a deeper punch, like letting us feel the self-disgust before he toasts himself.
heres what you could change or explore further, ((without rewriting your lines)):
voice clarity: the speaker feels halfway between a single historical figure and a symbolic archetype — you might decide which one you want the reader to hear more clearly. if it’s an individual, a few more personal details or confessions could sharpen the emotional focus.
third stanza pacing: the rhythm here is slightly uniform compared to the other stanzas. adding a subtle pause or internal break might give more emotional weight to the self-reflection (“i saved the republic…”). right now it flows a bit too smoothly for the bitterness it carries.
emotional temperature: most of the poem holds a steady tone of proud cynicism. consider giving one or two flashes of doubt, regret, or self-loathing — just brief ones — to deepen the humanity behind the arrogance.
imagery variation: your metaphors lean heavily on politics, speech, and performance (which works great thematically). maybe one or two tactile or sensory images — smoke, blood, marble, echoes — could ground the grandeur in something different, in a way??
hope this helps! all love
x
Y.M.