11-06-2025, 03:09 PM
hey oden! heres my piece of cake, if you'd like it:
– tighten the dream sequence. the transition from the girl and the tree to the “dirty beach house” happens a bit abruptly. maybe add a single bridging line that connects the intimacy of the dream to the confusion of waking up. it would help keep the reader grounded.
– simplify some of the punctuation and spacing. the scattered layout adds rhythm, but sometimes it distracts. for example, “in upwards / a pattern” could be condensed to “in an upwards circular pattern” to keep the visual focus on meaning, not spacing.
– rethink the explicit detail (“her bare butt naked towards me”). it’s vivid, but it might push the reader out of the moment. softening it or focusing on emotion instead of the body could make the vulnerability feel more universal and less physical.
– watch for over-explaining. lines like “you might think this is funny” or “but throughout his stories / there’s a blatant sense of romance” sometimes tell the reader what to think instead of letting the images do the work. try trusting the imagery more.
– make the prophet voice clearer. when the “prophet” starts speaking, the tone shifts strongly but without warning. maybe introduce the voice earlier or give it a clearer purpose — like representing conscience, wisdom, or fear.
– consider trimming repetition. the questions about courage, trust, and love repeat often (“am i courageous?”, “could i love again?”). keeping only the strongest instances would make those moments hit harder and feel less circular...
– end with more restraint. the final stanza is powerful, but maybe stop one or two lines earlier — the “iron-bark spruce” image is strong enough to close on its own.
– tighten the dream sequence. the transition from the girl and the tree to the “dirty beach house” happens a bit abruptly. maybe add a single bridging line that connects the intimacy of the dream to the confusion of waking up. it would help keep the reader grounded.
– simplify some of the punctuation and spacing. the scattered layout adds rhythm, but sometimes it distracts. for example, “in upwards / a pattern” could be condensed to “in an upwards circular pattern” to keep the visual focus on meaning, not spacing.
– rethink the explicit detail (“her bare butt naked towards me”). it’s vivid, but it might push the reader out of the moment. softening it or focusing on emotion instead of the body could make the vulnerability feel more universal and less physical.
– watch for over-explaining. lines like “you might think this is funny” or “but throughout his stories / there’s a blatant sense of romance” sometimes tell the reader what to think instead of letting the images do the work. try trusting the imagery more.
– make the prophet voice clearer. when the “prophet” starts speaking, the tone shifts strongly but without warning. maybe introduce the voice earlier or give it a clearer purpose — like representing conscience, wisdom, or fear.
– consider trimming repetition. the questions about courage, trust, and love repeat often (“am i courageous?”, “could i love again?”). keeping only the strongest instances would make those moments hit harder and feel less circular...
– end with more restraint. the final stanza is powerful, but maybe stop one or two lines earlier — the “iron-bark spruce” image is strong enough to close on its own.
Y.M.