11-06-2025, 08:05 AM
I would like to start by saying I have not offered a formal critique before, so please forgive me if I mess it up. I will try to stick to the framework suggested by the forum mods, altho I am not entirely sure I understand them.
Method: You have broken your poem into breath-like fragments to mirror the process of awakening and breathing, but the line breaks do not fall naturally and the overall impression is that you have cut lines for stylistic reasons, not for the rhythm.
“breathe in, then / next out, then / look around, / next then shout”
This is not a natural pattern for the breaks and it results in your imagery becoming muddled. The repetitions do not build momentum or progress the image, but instead become almost monotonous and numbing.
“grounded down — / not ground down, / yet on ground —”
The play on "ground" and "grounded" is fine, but the phrasing is unnatural and the dashes do not substitute for the missing rhythm, they simply chop what should be a single clear thought into pieces. Again, it feels stylistic rather than purposeful and it detracts from the effect you are going for. Some lines land, others would be improved by rejoining them into a single line.
The tone also wavers between mechanical and lyrical, which can work but at the moment it feels inconsistent. I am not sure if this is "Method" or "Manner", tho.
Manner: Lots of good imagery, I especially like “flash breaking / ill silence, / flare burning, / not embers / but lightning”. However, there is also a lot that does not land, mostly because it is so abstract that it does not really mean anything. I cannot work out what “black hole ray / deeation” might mean, is "deeation" a typo or a made up word? Either way, it probably does not belong in your poem.
Matter: A big subject, existential awakening, shattering of illusions and such, all very heady, but at the moment you are drowning it in abstractions. Very little in your poem feels experienced, it is mostly all declared. Abstract ideas may fascinate, but they do not move a reader emotionally, for that you need concrete images, ideally surprising and original ones
In conclusion, I think you are putting style over substance, and your poem is suffering for it. If you are wed to the idea of very short lines, you need to compress your ideas to fit that meter, otherwise your reader will be wondering why you have chopped all your lines up arbitrarily, and this confusion will keep them from properly engaging with your ideas.
Method: You have broken your poem into breath-like fragments to mirror the process of awakening and breathing, but the line breaks do not fall naturally and the overall impression is that you have cut lines for stylistic reasons, not for the rhythm.
“breathe in, then / next out, then / look around, / next then shout”
This is not a natural pattern for the breaks and it results in your imagery becoming muddled. The repetitions do not build momentum or progress the image, but instead become almost monotonous and numbing.
“grounded down — / not ground down, / yet on ground —”
The play on "ground" and "grounded" is fine, but the phrasing is unnatural and the dashes do not substitute for the missing rhythm, they simply chop what should be a single clear thought into pieces. Again, it feels stylistic rather than purposeful and it detracts from the effect you are going for. Some lines land, others would be improved by rejoining them into a single line.
The tone also wavers between mechanical and lyrical, which can work but at the moment it feels inconsistent. I am not sure if this is "Method" or "Manner", tho.
Manner: Lots of good imagery, I especially like “flash breaking / ill silence, / flare burning, / not embers / but lightning”. However, there is also a lot that does not land, mostly because it is so abstract that it does not really mean anything. I cannot work out what “black hole ray / deeation” might mean, is "deeation" a typo or a made up word? Either way, it probably does not belong in your poem.
Matter: A big subject, existential awakening, shattering of illusions and such, all very heady, but at the moment you are drowning it in abstractions. Very little in your poem feels experienced, it is mostly all declared. Abstract ideas may fascinate, but they do not move a reader emotionally, for that you need concrete images, ideally surprising and original ones
In conclusion, I think you are putting style over substance, and your poem is suffering for it. If you are wed to the idea of very short lines, you need to compress your ideas to fit that meter, otherwise your reader will be wondering why you have chopped all your lines up arbitrarily, and this confusion will keep them from properly engaging with your ideas.