10-17-2025, 09:08 PM
thank you both for your feedback!
i made some provisional changes above, removing the Sisyphus line, and leaning the opposite direction of what intended with "boat", making it a repeating line at the beginning of each stanza. that said, these are provisional, i'm going to do what you suggest and try a version without that line at all
i'm also wondering if i should just remove stanzas 5 and 6; will also play with rearranging to put the stanzas directly addressing holes together
anyways, it does clearly need some work, thanks for your help!
this is a new version, pared down and without "a boat"; please do let me know if you prefer this to the one above; i think i do not, but i am still working on it:
Minerva, A Boat
holes in its hull
too many to count
some are small
others large
shallow
deep
even
all the way through
we toil to repair
this vessel
our labor
unending
spotting the holes
caulking them closed
scanning to see
where they jump to next
in drydock
as it first
is being readied
at the same moment
it crashes through waves
in a storm
no safe harbor in sight
before its maiden voyage
it sank
but can be repaired
and in so doing
we will see
the ocean floor
is really just
the surface of the sea
on which it
was always meant
to sail
so mind those holes
the most dangerous one
will always be
not the biggest
not the deepest
just that one
most likely to be
overlooked
i made some provisional changes above, removing the Sisyphus line, and leaning the opposite direction of what intended with "boat", making it a repeating line at the beginning of each stanza. that said, these are provisional, i'm going to do what you suggest and try a version without that line at all
i'm also wondering if i should just remove stanzas 5 and 6; will also play with rearranging to put the stanzas directly addressing holes together
anyways, it does clearly need some work, thanks for your help!
this is a new version, pared down and without "a boat"; please do let me know if you prefer this to the one above; i think i do not, but i am still working on it:
Minerva, A Boat
holes in its hull
too many to count
some are small
others large
shallow
deep
even
all the way through
we toil to repair
this vessel
our labor
unending
spotting the holes
caulking them closed
scanning to see
where they jump to next
in drydock
as it first
is being readied
at the same moment
it crashes through waves
in a storm
no safe harbor in sight
before its maiden voyage
it sank
but can be repaired
and in so doing
we will see
the ocean floor
is really just
the surface of the sea
on which it
was always meant
to sail
so mind those holes
the most dangerous one
will always be
not the biggest
not the deepest
just that one
most likely to be
overlooked