04-02-2025, 03:19 AM
Welcome to the Pig Pen, creamcheesesandwich! I'm not a pro at writing (or reading) poetry, but I believe this poem has a lot of potential. I loved the imagery/personification and the story every detail told. I would, however, make a few suggestions.
The poem generally has a list-y feel to it and this can be daunting to readers, especially when the poem is as lengthy as this. The repetition of "that" throughout the poem definitely contributes to this feeling as well. Breaking this up into more clear stanzas with more lines and removing as many commas as possible would probably help. When I first started writing poetry, someone told me that sometimes removing unnecessary sentences/lines makes a poem more potent, and I think it would help a lot with this poem as well.
Keep writing, and I look forward to seeing your future works, fellow newbie!
The poem generally has a list-y feel to it and this can be daunting to readers, especially when the poem is as lengthy as this. The repetition of "that" throughout the poem definitely contributes to this feeling as well. Breaking this up into more clear stanzas with more lines and removing as many commas as possible would probably help. When I first started writing poetry, someone told me that sometimes removing unnecessary sentences/lines makes a poem more potent, and I think it would help a lot with this poem as well.
Keep writing, and I look forward to seeing your future works, fellow newbie!
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