03-18-2025, 01:05 PM
We know only what we see, what we hear
And clearly, to you, I am a specter.
Knowing nothing of whom you speak of
Yet you talk with such certainty;
Never even having let me truly speak.
third line should be
Knowing nothing of whom you speak
or
Knowing nothing you speak of
it can't be both. i prefer the first, but it also sounds more antiquated.
the semicolon in the fourth line should be a comma.
And now, I must understand you,
Your ambition, your fear, your troubles?
I owe you nothing, for you never gave me
The chance to be discovered as I am.
You never even tried to see.
colon instead of comma at the end of the first line.
Instead, you began to conclude, prejudicially
That I am nothing but the other, the outsider
That accepting me is corruption,
Is losing a battle, where you force upon us your normalcy
Never even letting yourself truly hear.
comma at the end of the second line.
You lie about my wants, my dreams,
To your confidants, to make them hate me
Under false conditions; false pretenses.
Am I the monster you fear, or is it all a lie?
You never even cared to know.
comma instead of colon at the third line.
I am not the end of your war.
You cannot bend me to your will.
I am not your death.
I am not your dog.
no small notes here.
My death would solve nothing; the world still wrong;
The systems you put in place falling apart at the seams;
semicolon at the middle of the first line better as a colon. next semicolon better a comma, last semicolon also better as a comma.
And to treat me like such is a fool’s game.
You’re being played in a battle of hate.
To you, the past be no artifact, the present hold no future,
And I am sick of pretending that you are fit to judge the world as it is,
Not as it was.
"the past is no artifact, the present holds no future"
i get this piece, and i wholly agree with its sentiment, but it's in a mode for which i have often been rightly critiqued, which is to say it's prose, not poetry. and not very compelling prose either. the first thing the title brings to mind for me is the famous opening words of Marx and Engels' *The Communist Manifesto*---"a specter is haunting Europe"---and, notwithstanding the missed opportunity here of linking the struggle against capitalism with the struggle for trans rights, Marx and Engels at least *do* something with that opening image, talking about how all the great powers of europe are trying to exorcise this specter. here, you only talk about the proverbial specter as merely something the addressed doesn't allow to speak, as merely something the addressed talks about without knowing of it an inch, but there's a hundred other things i can think of before "specter" to which such a description applies....including, of course, queerness.
that's the fatal flaw in this piece, highlighted by the third stanza's "prejudicially". it's tautological, especially to your most likely readership, either those into poetry or those who are actually queer (or better, myself included, the intersection thereof). either you need to develop your use of imagery -- what does one do to specters that only indirectly or metaphorically applies to queerness? the "exorcise" idea of marx and engels can work, with extra devastating results if you refer to the literal exorcisms some folks perform on queer people -- or you need to engage more with your ideas, again perhaps linking between trans issues and class struggle.
And clearly, to you, I am a specter.
Knowing nothing of whom you speak of
Yet you talk with such certainty;
Never even having let me truly speak.
third line should be
Knowing nothing of whom you speak
or
Knowing nothing you speak of
it can't be both. i prefer the first, but it also sounds more antiquated.
the semicolon in the fourth line should be a comma.
And now, I must understand you,
Your ambition, your fear, your troubles?
I owe you nothing, for you never gave me
The chance to be discovered as I am.
You never even tried to see.
colon instead of comma at the end of the first line.
Instead, you began to conclude, prejudicially
That I am nothing but the other, the outsider
That accepting me is corruption,
Is losing a battle, where you force upon us your normalcy
Never even letting yourself truly hear.
comma at the end of the second line.
You lie about my wants, my dreams,
To your confidants, to make them hate me
Under false conditions; false pretenses.
Am I the monster you fear, or is it all a lie?
You never even cared to know.
comma instead of colon at the third line.
I am not the end of your war.
You cannot bend me to your will.
I am not your death.
I am not your dog.
no small notes here.
My death would solve nothing; the world still wrong;
The systems you put in place falling apart at the seams;
semicolon at the middle of the first line better as a colon. next semicolon better a comma, last semicolon also better as a comma.
And to treat me like such is a fool’s game.
You’re being played in a battle of hate.
To you, the past be no artifact, the present hold no future,
And I am sick of pretending that you are fit to judge the world as it is,
Not as it was.
"the past is no artifact, the present holds no future"
i get this piece, and i wholly agree with its sentiment, but it's in a mode for which i have often been rightly critiqued, which is to say it's prose, not poetry. and not very compelling prose either. the first thing the title brings to mind for me is the famous opening words of Marx and Engels' *The Communist Manifesto*---"a specter is haunting Europe"---and, notwithstanding the missed opportunity here of linking the struggle against capitalism with the struggle for trans rights, Marx and Engels at least *do* something with that opening image, talking about how all the great powers of europe are trying to exorcise this specter. here, you only talk about the proverbial specter as merely something the addressed doesn't allow to speak, as merely something the addressed talks about without knowing of it an inch, but there's a hundred other things i can think of before "specter" to which such a description applies....including, of course, queerness.
that's the fatal flaw in this piece, highlighted by the third stanza's "prejudicially". it's tautological, especially to your most likely readership, either those into poetry or those who are actually queer (or better, myself included, the intersection thereof). either you need to develop your use of imagery -- what does one do to specters that only indirectly or metaphorically applies to queerness? the "exorcise" idea of marx and engels can work, with extra devastating results if you refer to the literal exorcisms some folks perform on queer people -- or you need to engage more with your ideas, again perhaps linking between trans issues and class struggle.