Pigeons
#6
(03-11-2025, 04:06 PM)TrevorConway Wrote:  REVISION:

City Pigeons

Tucked into humanity’s corners,
they coo and squabble,
flutter their gossip, - good opening
flee in noisy flight with flashes
of purple and green iridescence. - theses two lines seem a bit cluttered, there's a lot of alliteration. Also you could drop 'purple and green' or 'iridescence' 

Ledges, lampposts, lines of trees
and lonely statues are worthy perches. - alliteration again stretching it
The waft of wings on the back of my neck
comes sudden and bold,
like a declaration. - not sure about the inclusion of this stanza, seems like filler

One meanders, retracing steps,
without any sense of destination.
In fact, its course is quite attentive,
puff-chested and knight-hooded,
around a nodding female.

Others gather as I open a bag,
with no intention of sharing my lunch.
The daring court conflict,
while the careless are unconcerned by cars
and add touches to the city’s scenery:

a flat, red mess stamped on road, - 'stamped'?? -
a blur of droppings like TV static, - I like this line, (reminds me of the cosmic microwave background)
feathers scattered in bursts of fury,
their dramas set amongst us. - good ending
Good edit, I think you've made it a wee bit too lengthy now with those extra stanzas, take out the 'filler' bits and keep the gems.

Cheers for the read
feedback award wae aye man ye radgie
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Messages In This Thread
Pigeons - by TrevorConway - 01-31-2025, 12:29 AM
RE: Pigeons - by dukealien - 01-31-2025, 06:49 AM
RE: Pigeons - by rowens - 02-02-2025, 06:22 PM
RE: Pigeons - by TrevorConway - 02-03-2025, 05:26 AM
RE: Pigeons - by TrevorConway - 03-11-2025, 04:06 PM
RE: Pigeons - by Magpie - 03-11-2025, 05:16 PM
RE: Pigeons - by TrevorConway - 03-29-2025, 04:03 AM
RE: Pigeons - by Ved - 03-29-2025, 03:53 AM



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