02-22-2025, 02:33 AM
Hello James-
With a bit of massaging this poem could really shine. In-line comments below:
Near Yosemite, CA
I was there strike this line. the poem illustrates this well enough
Each dry oak with stabbing leaves
And the pines and the big rock across the water Is the big rock the Sentinel? If so, say so.
Are so abstinent, so quiet
They’ll tell you unbearable truths
While all the years push at you
From both ends of the river this is a way cool line
The place is a praying site, a holy mosque prehaps condense: the place is holy as a mosque
The water’s light feels like sand in the far east another interesting line
Or when the moon hits, the bed of civilization
In a fertile area
I swung a line
you can hardly be a citizen here
Of the United States, only an older brother, sister
Or a rock bottomer
Are these mountains still being settled
You might ask, what’s really taking place here
Did John Muir hope to raise cattle extend this thought regarding Muir; his University of Wilderness.
Are you a tourist in dim equipment light
Hoping to see some rock the mention of tourists seems intrusive in this poem
Or are these the holy kind of mountains 'the holy kind' is an odd descriptor
That you can meet face to face Maybe : these mountains meet you face to face
where villages spread out
And the grains are passed around This stanza could be re-worked to better effect
I’m here anyways strike this line. we know you're there
I just kept on barefoot walking down the summersand
And jumped in the water there is it the Merced river? If so, say so. Something about ablution would work really well here.
This poem has great potential. The more personal you can make it, the better. Statements like "I was there" are way too bland.
... Mark
With a bit of massaging this poem could really shine. In-line comments below:
Near Yosemite, CA
I was there strike this line. the poem illustrates this well enough
Each dry oak with stabbing leaves
And the pines and the big rock across the water Is the big rock the Sentinel? If so, say so.
Are so abstinent, so quiet
They’ll tell you unbearable truths
While all the years push at you
From both ends of the river this is a way cool line
The place is a praying site, a holy mosque prehaps condense: the place is holy as a mosque
The water’s light feels like sand in the far east another interesting line
Or when the moon hits, the bed of civilization
In a fertile area
I swung a line
you can hardly be a citizen here
Of the United States, only an older brother, sister
Or a rock bottomer
Are these mountains still being settled
You might ask, what’s really taking place here
Did John Muir hope to raise cattle extend this thought regarding Muir; his University of Wilderness.
Are you a tourist in dim equipment light
Hoping to see some rock the mention of tourists seems intrusive in this poem
Or are these the holy kind of mountains 'the holy kind' is an odd descriptor
That you can meet face to face Maybe : these mountains meet you face to face
where villages spread out
And the grains are passed around This stanza could be re-worked to better effect
I’m here anyways strike this line. we know you're there
I just kept on barefoot walking down the summersand
And jumped in the water there is it the Merced river? If so, say so. Something about ablution would work really well here.
This poem has great potential. The more personal you can make it, the better. Statements like "I was there" are way too bland.
... Mark