12-26-2024, 09:16 PM
Hi Dukealien,
A very interesting poem that contains a lot within a relatively short space. I like how you've worked it, and I think the form and length work well. There's nothing major to change in an overall sense, in my opinion, but I've added a few minor suggestions below.
I hope it's of how some help.
Trevor
Of Two Minds [Pretty good title, but I wonder if there's any closer alternative to the subject to give a sense of what will follow]
I don’t believe some evil other hand [No need for "evil other" together, and it sounds a bit clumsy to me, so maybe choose one, just "evil"?]
built those dark Monticello passages [Would "tunnels" work? I don't like the sound of "passages" at the end of the line]
which then permitted Thomas Jefferson [Replace "then permitted" with something like "enabled a young/weary/rich"]
to penetrate slave quarters secretly. [Put "secretly" before "penetrate"]
No, he designed, he utilized and knew [Use something more visual than "utilized"; maybe "treaded/walked/travelled"?]
about them but forgot for hours and days– [Maybe "their contours/turns/shadows" instead of "about them"? Maybe "and", not "but"?]
much as that gifted polymath believed
his god an immanent but unconcerned
endowing, blind creator of his world– [Maybe "endowing, a blind creator most days" on one line?]
most days, and while he wrote of human rights. [Remove "most days"]
But other times he trembled to reflect
with nightly mounting dread, that God is just. ["nightly mounting" feels clumsy/overdone to me, so maybe choose either]
[I like the idea of dread that God is just. Strong ending]
A very interesting poem that contains a lot within a relatively short space. I like how you've worked it, and I think the form and length work well. There's nothing major to change in an overall sense, in my opinion, but I've added a few minor suggestions below.
I hope it's of how some help.
Trevor
Of Two Minds [Pretty good title, but I wonder if there's any closer alternative to the subject to give a sense of what will follow]
I don’t believe some evil other hand [No need for "evil other" together, and it sounds a bit clumsy to me, so maybe choose one, just "evil"?]
built those dark Monticello passages [Would "tunnels" work? I don't like the sound of "passages" at the end of the line]
which then permitted Thomas Jefferson [Replace "then permitted" with something like "enabled a young/weary/rich"]
to penetrate slave quarters secretly. [Put "secretly" before "penetrate"]
No, he designed, he utilized and knew [Use something more visual than "utilized"; maybe "treaded/walked/travelled"?]
about them but forgot for hours and days– [Maybe "their contours/turns/shadows" instead of "about them"? Maybe "and", not "but"?]
much as that gifted polymath believed
his god an immanent but unconcerned
endowing, blind creator of his world– [Maybe "endowing, a blind creator most days" on one line?]
most days, and while he wrote of human rights. [Remove "most days"]
But other times he trembled to reflect
with nightly mounting dread, that God is just. ["nightly mounting" feels clumsy/overdone to me, so maybe choose either]
[I like the idea of dread that God is just. Strong ending]