05-31-2010, 04:43 PM
Will just point out a couple of grammar errors, no biggie 
"gently he grabs me
by the waist"
if you instead say
"he grabs me
gently by the wait"
then the first line 'he grabs me' puts the reader in a state of tension, before they relax when they realize the full meaning by the second line. Use the lines and stanzas as a tool to break up the meaning and hold out bits and pieces of the story. writers must be both candid and coy
Make no mistake, you still have a good poem in here. That last verse, particularly those opening lines, really caught me
(05-31-2010, 09:23 AM)Loveblind Wrote: gently he grabsbilly mentioned it being a little weak, and I think you can add a lot of drama just by rephrasing some of the lines. For instance, the first line
me by my waist
caressing my stomach
arousal has began begun
deep in
he lays me on the bed
passionately swimming
inside me
water all over him
even left on the sheets
excitement crawling down my spine
the speech my mother gave me
thrown out the window
at, no need for the comma this point
i`m enjoying me and him
making love
"gently he grabs me
by the waist"
if you instead say
"he grabs me
gently by the wait"
then the first line 'he grabs me' puts the reader in a state of tension, before they relax when they realize the full meaning by the second line. Use the lines and stanzas as a tool to break up the meaning and hold out bits and pieces of the story. writers must be both candid and coy
Make no mistake, you still have a good poem in here. That last verse, particularly those opening lines, really caught me
PS. If you can, try your hand at giving some of the others a bit of feedback. If you already have, thanks, can you do some more?