Poem: Empty

[carahmellow]

Hi carahmellow.

I like the title, but I think you lose sight of it towards the end.


Curled away,
In a cave of blankets, ........................................................... like the opening, the retreat to childhood comforts.
Cocooning yourself from the freezing 75-degree air
That penetrates your skin and coils around your frail bones. ...... do you need these lines? They don't seem to play a part in what follows.
Your fingers are wrapped around your wrists,
Or laid directly on your hips,
To ensure the coffee you had earlier didn’t make you bigger.
Because the barista definitely put whole milk in it.
You don’t know for sure, ........................................................... to go from 'definitely' to 'don't know for sure' doesn't work, for me. Something like 'You'd swear they did-must have done / because that explains why / it was creamier (or just cut the line.)
But it only makes sense because it was creamier.
Wasn’t it?

You continue to wait—
Listening to the clock tick by, .............................................. don't think you need this. And shouldn't it be 'the moment'?
Waiting for a moment you can sneak out of your room
To pour another glass of diet something
And satiate the emptiness eating at your core. .................. I don't think you need this.
Because you swore
The day before .................................................................. not keen on the swore/before rhyme. Seems off, tonally.
That you would do better.

The obsession is constantly screaming.
Making it impossible to ignore,
It’s a constant chore,
That you have to feed.
But not actually feed, because that includes calories. ......... I don't have a problem with this verse, I like the first line, but then I wonder if you couldn't develop the 'obsession', put some flesh on its bones, so to speak. (But discard 'chore', that's too mild.)

It’s all you think about—
When you’ll be able to put something else in your mouth.
But you pretend you’re fine,
When in reality, you’re only thinking about the next time
You can switch out your gum for a fresh piece. ........................ I like the 'gum' example. But what precedes it is simply telling. Perhaps use it to follow on from 'would do better'? For instance,

Because you swore
the day before
that you would do better:

that you would not
count the moments
until you can switch out
your gum for a fresh piece
...


And when you're done, ....................................... 'When you're done' what? When did you leave the cave of blankets?
You open up your bedside journal,
Not to talk about your day,
But to calculate the way
You made yourself bigger.

10 + 5 + 50 + 100 =
Too much. ........................................................... same with the 'gum'. Might work better as an example of what you promised not to do?

that you would not
use your bedside journal
to calculate ...

You should have just skipped lunch, .................. personally, I'd like the poem to end here. Though that may be a bit too bleak for some.
Because at this rate, you’ll fail.
Who cares if you’re frail
And covered in hair?
Your entire identity will come crumbling to the ground.
Because this is what you're good at.

So tomorrow, you will do better. ...................... all of this feels like a separate (though related) poem.
Tomorrow,

You’ll be in the hospital,
Being wheeled into your room, because they won’t let you walk.
They'll tell you to eat your food,
Or they'll resort to the tube
and that if you had gone on longer,
You could have died.

So you chose to thrive.
You looked into the eyes
Of this heinous monster .................................. Is this the constantly screaming obsession?

And survived.


I can't tell who the speaker/voice is. At the beginning it sounds like the sufferer's negative voice, but then that changes at the end (for no reason that I can see.)


Best, Knot

.

Thank you! this helps a lot, and gave me some really good things to play with and incorporate. Just hearing your guy's thoughts are helping me tremendously.