10-08-2024, 11:52 AM
Hi! I'm new here... I plan to come back and help critique and read a lot more of your work. I wanted to get some good critiques of my work because I've become a bit more serious about my poetry lately, even though I have written for many years. I just want to hear some thoughts on it I guess. I tend to be a more conversational poet. I prefer to read/listen to that style as well... so I lean into that style when I write. However, I do like challenging myself with flowery prose as well on occasion. Here is the first one I'd like to share.
Empty
Curled away,
In a cave of blankets,
Cocooning yourself from the freezing 75-degree air
That penetrates your skin and coils around your frail bones.
Your fingers are wrapped around your wrists,
Or laid directly on your hips,
To ensure the coffee you had earlier didn’t make you bigger.
Because the barista definitely put whole milk in it.
You don’t know for sure,
But it only makes sense because it was creamier.
Wasn’t it?
You continue to wait—
Listening to the clock tick by,
Waiting for a moment you can sneak out of your room
To pour another glass of diet something
And satiate the emptiness eating at your core.
Because you swore
The day before
That you would do better.
The obsession is constantly screaming.
Making it impossible to ignore,
It’s a constant chore,
That you have to feed.
But not actually feed, because that includes calories.
It’s all you think about—
When you’ll be able to put something else in your mouth.
But you pretend you’re fine,
When in reality, you’re only thinking about the next time
You can switch out your gum for a fresh piece.
And when you're done,
You open up your bedside journal,
Not to talk about your day,
But to calculate the way
You made yourself bigger.
10 + 5 + 50 + 100 =
Too much.
You should have just skipped lunch,
Because at this rate, you’ll fail.
Who cares if you’re frail
And covered in hair?
Your entire identity will come crumbling to the ground.
Because this is what you're good at.
So tomorrow, you will do better.
Tomorrow,
You’ll be in the hospital,
Being wheeled into your room, because they won’t let you walk.
They'll tell you to eat your food,
Or they'll resort to the tube
and that if you had gone on longer,
You could have died.
So you chose to thrive.
You looked into the eyes
Of this heinous monster
And survived.
Empty
Curled away,
In a cave of blankets,
Cocooning yourself from the freezing 75-degree air
That penetrates your skin and coils around your frail bones.
Your fingers are wrapped around your wrists,
Or laid directly on your hips,
To ensure the coffee you had earlier didn’t make you bigger.
Because the barista definitely put whole milk in it.
You don’t know for sure,
But it only makes sense because it was creamier.
Wasn’t it?
You continue to wait—
Listening to the clock tick by,
Waiting for a moment you can sneak out of your room
To pour another glass of diet something
And satiate the emptiness eating at your core.
Because you swore
The day before
That you would do better.
The obsession is constantly screaming.
Making it impossible to ignore,
It’s a constant chore,
That you have to feed.
But not actually feed, because that includes calories.
It’s all you think about—
When you’ll be able to put something else in your mouth.
But you pretend you’re fine,
When in reality, you’re only thinking about the next time
You can switch out your gum for a fresh piece.
And when you're done,
You open up your bedside journal,
Not to talk about your day,
But to calculate the way
You made yourself bigger.
10 + 5 + 50 + 100 =
Too much.
You should have just skipped lunch,
Because at this rate, you’ll fail.
Who cares if you’re frail
And covered in hair?
Your entire identity will come crumbling to the ground.
Because this is what you're good at.
So tomorrow, you will do better.
Tomorrow,
You’ll be in the hospital,
Being wheeled into your room, because they won’t let you walk.
They'll tell you to eat your food,
Or they'll resort to the tube
and that if you had gone on longer,
You could have died.
So you chose to thrive.
You looked into the eyes
Of this heinous monster
And survived.