09-29-2024, 10:03 AM
Hi, friend,
Your poem has a raw intensity that grips the reader right from the beginning. The metaphor of "shadow boxing" as a symbol of internal struggle is incredibly powerful, and you use it to evoke a sense of fighting unseen battles, both physically and mentally. I love the interplay between light and dark, particularly in lines like "where there's reflection there is might." This gives a sense that the shadow itself—though an illusion—can become a powerful force or a reflection of strength. The transition from the personal (sparring in secret) to a broader commentary on judgment and societal pressures is impactful, especially with the line "Judge, jury, executioner, family, innocence is what I plead." It feels like an earnest confession of battling both inner demons and external perceptions. The imagery in the final stanza, of waking up in hospital walls and "shadow boxer fears realities ignorance fiends," is haunting and encapsulates the exhaustion of facing both hallucinations and reality.
As far as critiques go; while the poem's intensity is compelling, there are moments where the narrative could be more cohesive. The line "Texting or not, pissing waiting, attempting to sterilize me" feels a bit abrupt in tone and may benefit from further clarification or smoother integration into the overall flow. This section introduces a new layer of commentary but shifts the focus quickly, which can pull the reader out of the emotional arc. Additionally, you might consider tightening up some of the imagery around "phantoms, dreams, memories unravelling"—it's evocative, but giving the reader more context or details about what these hallucinations entail could deepen the emotional impact. Lastly, exploring the shadow boxer motif further throughout the poem could create an even stronger thread, helping to unify the narrative more tightly.
Great job, and keep writing! (:
Your poem has a raw intensity that grips the reader right from the beginning. The metaphor of "shadow boxing" as a symbol of internal struggle is incredibly powerful, and you use it to evoke a sense of fighting unseen battles, both physically and mentally. I love the interplay between light and dark, particularly in lines like "where there's reflection there is might." This gives a sense that the shadow itself—though an illusion—can become a powerful force or a reflection of strength. The transition from the personal (sparring in secret) to a broader commentary on judgment and societal pressures is impactful, especially with the line "Judge, jury, executioner, family, innocence is what I plead." It feels like an earnest confession of battling both inner demons and external perceptions. The imagery in the final stanza, of waking up in hospital walls and "shadow boxer fears realities ignorance fiends," is haunting and encapsulates the exhaustion of facing both hallucinations and reality.
As far as critiques go; while the poem's intensity is compelling, there are moments where the narrative could be more cohesive. The line "Texting or not, pissing waiting, attempting to sterilize me" feels a bit abrupt in tone and may benefit from further clarification or smoother integration into the overall flow. This section introduces a new layer of commentary but shifts the focus quickly, which can pull the reader out of the emotional arc. Additionally, you might consider tightening up some of the imagery around "phantoms, dreams, memories unravelling"—it's evocative, but giving the reader more context or details about what these hallucinations entail could deepen the emotional impact. Lastly, exploring the shadow boxer motif further throughout the poem could create an even stronger thread, helping to unify the narrative more tightly.
Great job, and keep writing! (:
"I write only because there is a voice within me that will not be still."
-Sylvia Plath
-Sylvia Plath