09-11-2024, 06:26 PM
(This post was last modified: 09-11-2024, 06:27 PM by RiverNotch.)
This seems fairly straightforward, and an effective enough picture. The drama in the second stanza is done skillfully enough, with the lines gradually contracting, then the pause elicited by the em dash, then suddenly "she was dead".
The two notes I'd give are:
> The way the title is formatted is distracting, at least in an online context: it makes me think you've already edited this piece or something. I'm also counting that parenthetical as an actual part of the piece, and the way those two lines are formatted: I can't detect what the intended effect is, so it just seems kinda haphazard.
I would remove all asterisks and move that final note to the very beginning of the piece. Something like:
Retinal Persistence,
or the phenomenon by which an image
perists on the retina
for one twenty-fifth of a second.
> My other note is to put a period after "floor". It makes the "death" feel more final....but then again, maybe you don't intend to make it feel so final, in which case I do wonder why.
The two notes I'd give are:
> The way the title is formatted is distracting, at least in an online context: it makes me think you've already edited this piece or something. I'm also counting that parenthetical as an actual part of the piece, and the way those two lines are formatted: I can't detect what the intended effect is, so it just seems kinda haphazard.
I would remove all asterisks and move that final note to the very beginning of the piece. Something like:
Retinal Persistence,
or the phenomenon by which an image
perists on the retina
for one twenty-fifth of a second.
> My other note is to put a period after "floor". It makes the "death" feel more final....but then again, maybe you don't intend to make it feel so final, in which case I do wonder why.