09-08-2024, 11:16 AM
The last look a blur,
a swift sweep of laughter
after the fan of her fingers
on her knee caught
the rest of her
quite still—
The first line works in how it asks for a comma and doesn't get one because, well, you know, unless I'm reaching.
The laughter after rhyme adds to this visual-word contextual play.
she was dead
by the time she hit
her head on the floor
I was going to suggest:
she was dead
by the time
she hit her head on the floor
But that would ruin the emphasis on hit.
Time would work with emphasis, given your note.
Still, dead/hit/floor works
(*phenomenon by which an image persists
for one twenty-fifth of a second on the retina)
a swift sweep of laughter
after the fan of her fingers
on her knee caught
the rest of her
quite still—
The first line works in how it asks for a comma and doesn't get one because, well, you know, unless I'm reaching.
The laughter after rhyme adds to this visual-word contextual play.
she was dead
by the time she hit
her head on the floor
I was going to suggest:
she was dead
by the time
she hit her head on the floor
But that would ruin the emphasis on hit.
Time would work with emphasis, given your note.
Still, dead/hit/floor works
(*phenomenon by which an image persists
for one twenty-fifth of a second on the retina)