09-07-2024, 04:34 PM
(This post was last modified: 09-07-2024, 04:35 PM by RiverNotch.)
"bed" to me is the less literal subject, so i feel it should come before "lover". you can probably also cut out some of these lines. here's a start:
bed of mine,
you hold me.
pillow of mine,*
you smother me.
tender devil,
pressure monster,
horizontal force of nature:**
lover of mine,
i hate you.***
*-i find it's pillows or sheets that tend to smother, not beds.
**-these three lines are probably the "crux" of your poem, but personally i find them rather dull. calling someone "horizontal" -- and one has to assume the speaker's ultimate subject here is a someone -- can be very funny, by way of A Comedy of Errors or Henry IV, and i say this as someone who is far from the pinnacle of good health, but "force of nature", by being so generic, kinda deflates it, pun intended.
***-"lay here" and "let me" are lines that especially demand to be removed, i think. maybe "let me / hate you" has some larger significance i'm missing, but in this particular instance i'm not compelled to find out what.
bed of mine,
you hold me.
pillow of mine,*
you smother me.
tender devil,
pressure monster,
horizontal force of nature:**
lover of mine,
i hate you.***
*-i find it's pillows or sheets that tend to smother, not beds.
**-these three lines are probably the "crux" of your poem, but personally i find them rather dull. calling someone "horizontal" -- and one has to assume the speaker's ultimate subject here is a someone -- can be very funny, by way of A Comedy of Errors or Henry IV, and i say this as someone who is far from the pinnacle of good health, but "force of nature", by being so generic, kinda deflates it, pun intended.
***-"lay here" and "let me" are lines that especially demand to be removed, i think. maybe "let me / hate you" has some larger significance i'm missing, but in this particular instance i'm not compelled to find out what.