09-06-2024, 10:53 PM
Hi Micah.
Interesting subject, and I too like the 'cuclunk cuclunk' repetition (you might have had a third following 'I am the concrete heartbeat') but I struggle to see (or hear, for that matter) how they work with 'the city breathes with me'. Makes me think of an iron lung, or some other ventilation device.
I think you could probably cut the entire first line (sidewalk becomes clear with 'slabs' and 'wheels' is taken care of by the title.)
The sidewalk under my wheels[edit: wheelchair] goes
Cuclunk cuclunk.
These are my footsteps now.
The length of the slabs determine
The sound of my feet. ................ this seems to merely repeat what lines two and three have already said.
The city and its planners
Make decisions for me ............... either elaborate on this or cut it. Given the title, I'd suggest cutting it and replacing it with more 'rolling'.
In many ways now. ..................... you say 'many ways' but what are they?
I am that concrete heartbeat
Cuclunk cuclunk.
I make the bus driver known to me ..... Interesting. Him know to you, not the other way round? The phrasing seems a little awkward.
Strapping me in
Close quarters.
There are no faceless operators, ............ very nice.
Unnoticed curb cuts,
Unrecognized doors held. ............ these feel a little dry.
The city breathes with me, ......... don't understand 'breathes' at all. Wouldn't 'walks' or 'rolls' or something be better?
Cuclunk Cuclunk.
Best, Knot
.
Interesting subject, and I too like the 'cuclunk cuclunk' repetition (you might have had a third following 'I am the concrete heartbeat') but I struggle to see (or hear, for that matter) how they work with 'the city breathes with me'. Makes me think of an iron lung, or some other ventilation device.
I think you could probably cut the entire first line (sidewalk becomes clear with 'slabs' and 'wheels' is taken care of by the title.)
The sidewalk under my wheels[edit: wheelchair] goes
Cuclunk cuclunk.
These are my footsteps now.
The length of the slabs determine
The sound of my feet. ................ this seems to merely repeat what lines two and three have already said.
The city and its planners
Make decisions for me ............... either elaborate on this or cut it. Given the title, I'd suggest cutting it and replacing it with more 'rolling'.
In many ways now. ..................... you say 'many ways' but what are they?
I am that concrete heartbeat
Cuclunk cuclunk.
I make the bus driver known to me ..... Interesting. Him know to you, not the other way round? The phrasing seems a little awkward.
Strapping me in
Close quarters.
There are no faceless operators, ............ very nice.
Unnoticed curb cuts,
Unrecognized doors held. ............ these feel a little dry.
The city breathes with me, ......... don't understand 'breathes' at all. Wouldn't 'walks' or 'rolls' or something be better?
Cuclunk Cuclunk.
Best, Knot
.