09-01-2024, 10:14 PM
Hi Shahz,
it's seems a bit confused, to me. I'm not sure 'greed' is the right word (is it?) nor how a flame can 'crumble' but there's something about it that appeals.
My greed is a bonfire
Sustained by my mention of you. ........... do you need 'my' here? And 'mention' doesn't really develop the bonfire metaphor.
As I lay by the fire every night, ........... if 'greed' is the fire, not sure how you 'lay by' it. Do you need that part? Would the line work as
every night I hear it crackle ?
hear it crackle at your very name, ........ not sure what 'very name' means here (similarly the 'very flame' later - it's a specific flame that doesn't seem to have been mentioned before, unless 'greed' is now a flame.)
Sizzle at every detail. ......................... 'every detail' rather lacks detail. What's the reader supposed to image they are? And how is this adding anything to 'crackle at your name'? Do you really need the line?
And I carry inside me a lamp containing .......... I like the lamp idea, but can't see how it relates to the bonfire (which N alse carries inside them)
the very flame that Crumbles when it sees you
because how can a lamp ever compare to a bonfire
of greed?. ......................... I don't know, but then I don't know what distinguishes one from the other. (And you don't need that final period.) Ending the previous line on 'bonfire' seems a bit too arch.
Best, Knot
.
it's seems a bit confused, to me. I'm not sure 'greed' is the right word (is it?) nor how a flame can 'crumble' but there's something about it that appeals.
My greed is a bonfire
Sustained by my mention of you. ........... do you need 'my' here? And 'mention' doesn't really develop the bonfire metaphor.
As I lay by the fire every night, ........... if 'greed' is the fire, not sure how you 'lay by' it. Do you need that part? Would the line work as
every night I hear it crackle ?
hear it crackle at your very name, ........ not sure what 'very name' means here (similarly the 'very flame' later - it's a specific flame that doesn't seem to have been mentioned before, unless 'greed' is now a flame.)
Sizzle at every detail. ......................... 'every detail' rather lacks detail. What's the reader supposed to image they are? And how is this adding anything to 'crackle at your name'? Do you really need the line?
And I carry inside me a lamp containing .......... I like the lamp idea, but can't see how it relates to the bonfire (which N alse carries inside them)
the very flame that Crumbles when it sees you
because how can a lamp ever compare to a bonfire
of greed?. ......................... I don't know, but then I don't know what distinguishes one from the other. (And you don't need that final period.) Ending the previous line on 'bonfire' seems a bit too arch.
Best, Knot
.