08-30-2024, 08:53 PM
(This post was last modified: 08-30-2024, 08:57 PM by RiverNotch.)
the poem really starts by the second line. not sure what this first line is really doing, but it doesn't really matter. i like how concrete that which follows is, though. in fact...
We only have this timeline, but somewhere
we are backlit by balloon arches, plastic punch bowls
my palm on the small of your back,
the satin forest of your dress swaying
...i love how gay this whole thing is. this second stanza is the big giveaway, of course, but the more obscure (but not by any means subtler) gayness of the other stanzas feels really rewarding to me, if a touch....unfamiliar. i usually encounter these terms in the genre of pop song, not written poetry xD
and somewhere you are winking at me
in the gender studies section
converse squeaking closer
to slip my number between the pages of Judith Butler for you
of course, i have no idea if "The Eagle" is an *actual* club, but still. gay.
and somewhere you are pushing me hard
against the slick wall of The Eagle
sinking to my knees, your hands in my hair
giving each other something nameless and electric
niggling point, i don't like "untwined", as it feels like it should be "unentwined" instead xD
not so niggling, with "midnight movies" and "contoured" is where things get more reasonably obscure -- more tied to gay cultural references -- though again, not at all subtle xD
but today I am teaching myself to love our untwined pasts
dance parties and midnight movies and porch swings
contoured to bifurcated cities
back to more technical notes, and these aren't so niggling, but the first two lines of this stanza feel as "useless" as the first line of the first stanza, only here i don't see a structural reason for them being so bland. there has to be something more concrete than "leaning on the pressure points of my loneliness", unless that's another bit of slang i just miss.
"cooking for you in an empty kitchen" reminds me of Joni Mitchell's "My Old Man", and maybe recalling that song, if you don't already recall it, would be helpful in making the sentiment in this stanza really, er, pop xD
"the blankets of sleep" is super redundant. "tasting you beneath the sheets" would be better, if a little commoner.
and then you're back to some delectable gayness with "corseting".
and today I am leaning on the pressure points
of my loneliness
cooking for you in an empty kitchen
tasting you beneath the blankets of sleep
corseting myself into waiting
with the ache of taut bowstrings
i guess the "weight of your absence" thing ties to "taut bowstrings", which itself ties to the more explicitly gay reference "corseting", so that's a fun little cascade of imagery i didn't initially catch.
there's something of a missed opportunity to me with "transcribes bruises", though, unless you really did have the AIDS crisis in mind for this piece and i myself just missed it. but exploiting this opportunity, i don't think, truly matters.
and then the last four lines try to really bring it all back together, though again, there's a sense that those particular lines are throwaways. the cascade of imagery from "horizon" to "cloudbursts" to "heavy longing" feels cheap, this time, though i don't know what alternatives to suggest. i mean, i bet you already knew how cheap they were before posting xD
The weight of your absence
transcribes bruises across a body reaching
scanning the horizon of queer bars, diner booths, book clubs
seeding cloudbursts and autumns heavy with longing
so that your story might envelope me in heady embrace
those precious moments we collide.
and just to be clear, i reiterate that i really like this piece. i also apologize for the horrendous formatting of this critique, as i chose to do it on my phone xD
We only have this timeline, but somewhere
we are backlit by balloon arches, plastic punch bowls
my palm on the small of your back,
the satin forest of your dress swaying
...i love how gay this whole thing is. this second stanza is the big giveaway, of course, but the more obscure (but not by any means subtler) gayness of the other stanzas feels really rewarding to me, if a touch....unfamiliar. i usually encounter these terms in the genre of pop song, not written poetry xD
and somewhere you are winking at me
in the gender studies section
converse squeaking closer
to slip my number between the pages of Judith Butler for you
of course, i have no idea if "The Eagle" is an *actual* club, but still. gay.
and somewhere you are pushing me hard
against the slick wall of The Eagle
sinking to my knees, your hands in my hair
giving each other something nameless and electric
niggling point, i don't like "untwined", as it feels like it should be "unentwined" instead xD
not so niggling, with "midnight movies" and "contoured" is where things get more reasonably obscure -- more tied to gay cultural references -- though again, not at all subtle xD
but today I am teaching myself to love our untwined pasts
dance parties and midnight movies and porch swings
contoured to bifurcated cities
back to more technical notes, and these aren't so niggling, but the first two lines of this stanza feel as "useless" as the first line of the first stanza, only here i don't see a structural reason for them being so bland. there has to be something more concrete than "leaning on the pressure points of my loneliness", unless that's another bit of slang i just miss.
"cooking for you in an empty kitchen" reminds me of Joni Mitchell's "My Old Man", and maybe recalling that song, if you don't already recall it, would be helpful in making the sentiment in this stanza really, er, pop xD
"the blankets of sleep" is super redundant. "tasting you beneath the sheets" would be better, if a little commoner.
and then you're back to some delectable gayness with "corseting".
and today I am leaning on the pressure points
of my loneliness
cooking for you in an empty kitchen
tasting you beneath the blankets of sleep
corseting myself into waiting
with the ache of taut bowstrings
i guess the "weight of your absence" thing ties to "taut bowstrings", which itself ties to the more explicitly gay reference "corseting", so that's a fun little cascade of imagery i didn't initially catch.
there's something of a missed opportunity to me with "transcribes bruises", though, unless you really did have the AIDS crisis in mind for this piece and i myself just missed it. but exploiting this opportunity, i don't think, truly matters.
and then the last four lines try to really bring it all back together, though again, there's a sense that those particular lines are throwaways. the cascade of imagery from "horizon" to "cloudbursts" to "heavy longing" feels cheap, this time, though i don't know what alternatives to suggest. i mean, i bet you already knew how cheap they were before posting xD
The weight of your absence
transcribes bruises across a body reaching
scanning the horizon of queer bars, diner booths, book clubs
seeding cloudbursts and autumns heavy with longing
so that your story might envelope me in heady embrace
those precious moments we collide.
and just to be clear, i reiterate that i really like this piece. i also apologize for the horrendous formatting of this critique, as i chose to do it on my phone xD