08-30-2024, 07:44 PM
Hi Bianca,
I really like the title and I think the repeated 'somewheres' work well (similarly, the 'todays'.) Where it starts to fall, I think, is S4/L2 - the list is rather dry and unengaging (and the grammar gives one pause, where you really don't want to pause.) And the final verse, lacking both a 'today' or 'somewhere', seems to have wandered in from a different poem.
We only have this timeline, but somewhere ............. do you need 'we only ... timeline'? There's a slight ambiguity about who the 'we' refers to, and I think cutting it offers a better opening,
but somewhere we are backlit...
we are backlit by balloon arches, plastic punch bowls
my palm on the small of your back, ........... I think just tidying up the grammar here would help (a lot!)
and my palm is on the small of your back
the satin forest of your dress swaying
and somewhere you are winking at me ............ maybe 'wink at me'?
in the gender studies section
converse squeaking closer ................................ lack of a pronoun gives me pause, whose are the converse? (And should it be Converse?)
to slip my number between the pages of Judith Butler for you ............ don't think you need 'for you', it's strongly implied.
and somewhere you are pushing me hard
against the slick wall of The Eagle
sinking to my knees, your hands in my hair ........... I'm confused about how this line follows from the previous (maybe change 'sinking to' to 'on ...'?)
giving each other something nameless and electric ....... Similar confusion (as above) perhaps 'exchanging something nameless and electric' might be clearer (though it feels like something's missing.)
but today I am teaching myself to love our untwined pasts ........... think the line should break after 'love'.
dance parties and midnight movies and porch swings
contoured to bifurcated cities ................... I don't see how these two lines relate to 'untwined pasts', nor what they add to the idea.
and today I am leaning on the pressure points
of my loneliness .......... very nice.
cooking for you in an empty kitchen ............ bit bland, and doesn't the earlier 'loneliness' suggest that the kitchen is empty?
tasting you beneath the blankets of sleep ...... feels a bit confused. The tasting seems to relate to the cooking, but then it doesn't. (I'd maybe stick to the cooking metaphor, and do something new with the 'blankets of sleep' - nice phrase.)
corseting myself into waiting
with the ache of taut bowstrings .............. great idea, the 'corseting', but 'taut bowstrings' doesn't hit the right note, for me, (There's perhaps something about breathlessness and bones here?)
The weight of your absence ....................... I think you need to start with
and today the weight ...
transcribes bruises across a body reaching ........'transcribes' feels like you're trying too hard. Why not
aches like a bruise across a body ?
scanning the horizon of queer bars, diner booths, book clubs
seeding cloudbursts and autumns heavy with longing
so that your story might envelope me in heady embrace
those precious moments we collide .............. Sadly, I don't think any of the final four lines are worth keeping. It's all rather melodramatic and mawkish. Whatever you decide, I'd suggest reminding yourself of the (excellent) title before revisiting these lines/the ending. One last thought, perhaps the 'pressure points' verse might make a better end, and this one should come earlier in the piece?
Best, Knot
.
I really like the title and I think the repeated 'somewheres' work well (similarly, the 'todays'.) Where it starts to fall, I think, is S4/L2 - the list is rather dry and unengaging (and the grammar gives one pause, where you really don't want to pause.) And the final verse, lacking both a 'today' or 'somewhere', seems to have wandered in from a different poem.
We only have this timeline, but somewhere ............. do you need 'we only ... timeline'? There's a slight ambiguity about who the 'we' refers to, and I think cutting it offers a better opening,
but somewhere we are backlit...
we are backlit by balloon arches, plastic punch bowls
my palm on the small of your back, ........... I think just tidying up the grammar here would help (a lot!)
and my palm is on the small of your back
the satin forest of your dress swaying
and somewhere you are winking at me ............ maybe 'wink at me'?
in the gender studies section
converse squeaking closer ................................ lack of a pronoun gives me pause, whose are the converse? (And should it be Converse?)
to slip my number between the pages of Judith Butler for you ............ don't think you need 'for you', it's strongly implied.
and somewhere you are pushing me hard
against the slick wall of The Eagle
sinking to my knees, your hands in my hair ........... I'm confused about how this line follows from the previous (maybe change 'sinking to' to 'on ...'?)
giving each other something nameless and electric ....... Similar confusion (as above) perhaps 'exchanging something nameless and electric' might be clearer (though it feels like something's missing.)
but today I am teaching myself to love our untwined pasts ........... think the line should break after 'love'.
dance parties and midnight movies and porch swings
contoured to bifurcated cities ................... I don't see how these two lines relate to 'untwined pasts', nor what they add to the idea.
and today I am leaning on the pressure points
of my loneliness .......... very nice.
cooking for you in an empty kitchen ............ bit bland, and doesn't the earlier 'loneliness' suggest that the kitchen is empty?
tasting you beneath the blankets of sleep ...... feels a bit confused. The tasting seems to relate to the cooking, but then it doesn't. (I'd maybe stick to the cooking metaphor, and do something new with the 'blankets of sleep' - nice phrase.)
corseting myself into waiting
with the ache of taut bowstrings .............. great idea, the 'corseting', but 'taut bowstrings' doesn't hit the right note, for me, (There's perhaps something about breathlessness and bones here?)
The weight of your absence ....................... I think you need to start with
and today the weight ...
transcribes bruises across a body reaching ........'transcribes' feels like you're trying too hard. Why not
aches like a bruise across a body ?
scanning the horizon of queer bars, diner booths, book clubs
seeding cloudbursts and autumns heavy with longing
so that your story might envelope me in heady embrace
those precious moments we collide .............. Sadly, I don't think any of the final four lines are worth keeping. It's all rather melodramatic and mawkish. Whatever you decide, I'd suggest reminding yourself of the (excellent) title before revisiting these lines/the ending. One last thought, perhaps the 'pressure points' verse might make a better end, and this one should come earlier in the piece?
Best, Knot
.