08-18-2024, 12:40 AM
Hi Spruce,
you lose me at the last line ('not living by' already suggests 'freed by')
Also, are you sure 'puerility' is the word you're after? Puerile is generally used as an insult so ... ?
Are you trying for a regular rhythm? Four beats per line?
We often laugh as children do
ignoring all the drab, grey rules
of middle age. Those social cages
....
Seems to me there's a bit of a jump from L3 to L4 (should there be a period at the end of L3?)
It feels like your a couple of lines short, it doesn't end that satisfyingly, to me at least.
Best, Knot
.
you lose me at the last line ('not living by' already suggests 'freed by')
Also, are you sure 'puerility' is the word you're after? Puerile is generally used as an insult so ... ?
Are you trying for a regular rhythm? Four beats per line?
We often laugh as children do
ignoring all the drab, grey rules
of middle age. Those social cages
....
Seems to me there's a bit of a jump from L3 to L4 (should there be a period at the end of L3?)
It feels like your a couple of lines short, it doesn't end that satisfyingly, to me at least.
Best, Knot
.