Conflagration

[Collapsed We Swear]

can you see them 
writhe 
over their kin 
a Rat King's born 
alone in the miry 
dark

Trying something different from my normal stuff, playing around with brevity.

I really like this. My only criticism would be, why not punctuate it? And as you have capitalised "Rat King", why not capitalise the rest?

I would have it like this:

Can you see them 
writhe 
over their kin? 
A Rat King's born 
alone in the miry 
dark.


It seems pretentious not to use punctuation in this particular instance—unless there is a justification for it that I'm missing.

Short poems like this are difficult to critique, because anyone can sound reasonably eloquent in 20 words. And this is like a Banksy: well done, but it's one colour and you see it all at once.