08-14-2024, 11:40 PM
Hi James,
not keen on 'It' replacing 'the Animal' - leaves some very clunky line breaks. Also, if you're going to replace them, replace all of them. Why keep it in the first line which, is identical to the title except for a pointless comma?
What colour is 'rag'?
I don't think the first verse is pulling its weight. Might just be me not understanding the significance of the clouds, but ... what part does anything in it play in the rest of the piece?
In the final verse you have 'closed and barred' before ending with 'closed'. I'd suggest losing the first one. Is 'closed and barred' adding anything important?
Still not convinced that the past tense is helping the piece.
Best, Knot
.
not keen on 'It' replacing 'the Animal' - leaves some very clunky line breaks. Also, if you're going to replace them, replace all of them. Why keep it in the first line which, is identical to the title except for a pointless comma?
What colour is 'rag'?
I don't think the first verse is pulling its weight. Might just be me not understanding the significance of the clouds, but ... what part does anything in it play in the rest of the piece?
In the final verse you have 'closed and barred' before ending with 'closed'. I'd suggest losing the first one. Is 'closed and barred' adding anything important?
Still not convinced that the past tense is helping the piece.
Best, Knot
.