07-22-2024, 07:17 PM
Hi Erthona,
what's with all the "speech marks"? So many (three in the first line) and who is being quoted? Are any necessary?
Do you need 'The Last Picture Show' reference? You own image, of the derelict ship, works just fine on its own.
S1, Like the opening tow lines.
I don't think 'rattlesnake sea serpents' followed by the non-maratime 'mesquite bush' work.And there's an awful lot of 'dust'.
S2, S1 ends with 'chalk' then S2 begins with 'chalky' (and then there's 'rusted-blood soil' so soon after 'rust coloured blood dust') - I don't think the repetition works that well.
reflect the two kinds of folks who exists here:
church-goers and sinners,
Not sure how they 'reflect' - is it adding anything?
S3, I'm starting to think there are two separate poems here, one about the town, the second about the intriguing 'Tie Coffins' and the shops that sell them.
S4, 'each store' - slightly puzzled by this given S1. That verse gave the impression of a much smaller, more deserted place, but now there are a plethora of clothing stores (apparently.)
'carvers carve the same.' Are you sure about the period? Seems like it should continue with 'Cowboy on ... '
S5, No idea who it is that's 'hurrying on down' to the church.
Also, what is 'Romanesque columned'? Where'd the end of that sentence go?
'catty cornered' - excellent.
Not sure about the ending, the poem reads more like the place is Purgatory than Hell (and what might an eraser dust fairy, insane or otherwise, be doing in either place?)
Start with the 'tie coffins' and work your way outwards would be my suggestion.
Best, Knot
.
what's with all the "speech marks"? So many (three in the first line) and who is being quoted? Are any necessary?
Do you need 'The Last Picture Show' reference? You own image, of the derelict ship, works just fine on its own.
S1, Like the opening tow lines.
I don't think 'rattlesnake sea serpents' followed by the non-maratime 'mesquite bush' work.And there's an awful lot of 'dust'.
S2, S1 ends with 'chalk' then S2 begins with 'chalky' (and then there's 'rusted-blood soil' so soon after 'rust coloured blood dust') - I don't think the repetition works that well.
reflect the two kinds of folks who exists here:
church-goers and sinners,
Not sure how they 'reflect' - is it adding anything?
S3, I'm starting to think there are two separate poems here, one about the town, the second about the intriguing 'Tie Coffins' and the shops that sell them.
S4, 'each store' - slightly puzzled by this given S1. That verse gave the impression of a much smaller, more deserted place, but now there are a plethora of clothing stores (apparently.)
'carvers carve the same.' Are you sure about the period? Seems like it should continue with 'Cowboy on ... '
S5, No idea who it is that's 'hurrying on down' to the church.
Also, what is 'Romanesque columned'? Where'd the end of that sentence go?
'catty cornered' - excellent.
Not sure about the ending, the poem reads more like the place is Purgatory than Hell (and what might an eraser dust fairy, insane or otherwise, be doing in either place?)
Start with the 'tie coffins' and work your way outwards would be my suggestion.
Best, Knot
.