For my son

[CircleWalker]

In this life,
in which the dancing 
slows all 
too soon. 

No one
can really ever say
where
you need
to go. 

No one ever
need 
remind you 
that you walk
under the moon’s uninterested
shadow. 

It may be
the empty night will beckon you
to that place 
where, alone
you will one day walk 

in a somehow joyful grief,
alone and not, 
lost and being found
in a dark river of warm silence. 


———

Original:

In this life
in which the dancing slows all 
too soon

You will walk
under the white chalk of 
the moon

You will see
the darkness there, mingled with 
the light

And you will know
that what you already have, close in
is what’s right

Welcome to the group. I too am a newbie.

(Note: my comments are based upon your 2nd version.)

Of course everything that I am going to say is my opinion, and that doesn't make it right or wrong. Almost everyone on here is more adept at poetry than me, but we still all have our own opinions, our own tastes, our own styles.

I write poetry first for myself, and then for the audience. I learn something when I write ... about myself ... about the world (or worlds) and my walk in it ... about the audience.

How wonderful that you are writing a poem to/for your son. That is a beautiful thing to do, and he will be blessed by it. Today perhaps. In the future, undoubtedly, for you are leaving him a piece of yourself with this.

I believe that "unnecessary or redundant" words or phrases can be useful at times, for they may add rhythm or flow. As such, I really like your opening stanza. I really like the flow, the rhythm, and the meaning of it.

In the 2nd and 3rd stanzas, I love your repetition of the words No one, ever, need, and you. Not forcing them to be consecutive, but yet they are connected it seems to me.

In general, I really like your line and stanza breaks of your 2nd version. They make your poem easier for me to read. They make me pause, and almost reflect at key moments.

Finally, I really like your phrases a joyful grief, and a dark river of warm silence. I have no idea whether or not they have been used by others in the past, but I find them compelling and meaningful.

All in all, I really like your 2nd version.