06-30-2024, 08:34 PM
(06-30-2024, 07:44 PM)jonvandalen Wrote: In this life
in which the dancing slows all
too soon
You will walk
under the white chalk of
the moon …. The soon/moon rhyme is a difficult one, from overuse. It can still be employed judiciously, but not as in this instance. The metaphor of life as a dance in S1 is replaced with a different metaphor of life as a walk in S2. It comes across as disjointed stanzas linked only by a forced rhyme. Also, you don’t walk under chalk. It should be “in the white chalk of”. The walk / chalk rhyme that you’re going for is neither good nor bad
You will see
the darkness there, mingled with
the light….. In the “white chalk” like light of the moon you will see darkness mingled with light…that’s about as bland a statement that you can make. It comes across as reaching for a profundity that’s not there
And you will know
that what you already have, close in
is what’s right ….. there’s a logical fallacy here. Distant things are harder to see in the moonlight…so they’re wrong, and proximate things that you can see more clearly are what’s right? Why? Why is the moon a metaphor for the light of truth? Nothing in the poem supports that assumption
It’s not a bad poem, but it would do well with more clarity