06-27-2024, 06:44 PM
Just replace cool cream with aloe vera. I think cool cream is wildly distracting.
But once you get rid of that, it’s excellent.
Can you condense this by weeding unnecessary pronouns? For instance,
“Naked wet heat atop the comforter,
she lies her head on my chest
and I will my heart slow.”
I don’t think ditching those pronouns changes the meaning much. It just condenses it.
Also, I’m having trouble with this:
“She shuffles her body and her damp hair
settles by my nose. I close my eyes
content in the flame.”
If this is about sleep, the verbs are wrong. If it’s about oral sex, the verbs and the prepositions are wrong.
Note: both are valid reads.
Lastly, “I close my eyes, content in the flame” lacks meaning unnecessarily. There’s no sin in clarifying.
Macro note: You’re telling an audience about time spent in bed with a woman. Poems like this improve rapidly once you take a machete to cliches and syntactical words.
You can make this awesome in ten minutes. Honest? That’s tougher.
*”lays her head”—sorry, I rushed that note
But once you get rid of that, it’s excellent.
Can you condense this by weeding unnecessary pronouns? For instance,
“Naked wet heat atop the comforter,
she lies her head on my chest
and I will my heart slow.”
I don’t think ditching those pronouns changes the meaning much. It just condenses it.
Also, I’m having trouble with this:
“She shuffles her body and her damp hair
settles by my nose. I close my eyes
content in the flame.”
If this is about sleep, the verbs are wrong. If it’s about oral sex, the verbs and the prepositions are wrong.
Note: both are valid reads.
Lastly, “I close my eyes, content in the flame” lacks meaning unnecessarily. There’s no sin in clarifying.
Macro note: You’re telling an audience about time spent in bed with a woman. Poems like this improve rapidly once you take a machete to cliches and syntactical words.
You can make this awesome in ten minutes. Honest? That’s tougher.
*”lays her head”—sorry, I rushed that note
A yak is normal.