06-21-2024, 05:01 PM
bryn,
What a puzzle. It’s lovely to read. I’m soft-dodging into my thoughts because the other crits didn’t read what I read. Since you didn’t bracket “no title yet,” I assume that’s the title.
This poem can be read one of two ways, and I think you should pick one.
This is either (1) a poem about a union over years that bears a child. It feels like an enagagement proposal, a eulogy, and a present contemplation. And each turn avoids cliche.
If this is a poem meant for a specific person in your life or someone’s life, pseudonymously “Sophisticated Mama,” you don’t need to change a word.
On the other hand.
(2) If Sophisticated Mama is the screen name of an online companion, and surely it is, then this poem is a lot harder to assess. Emotionally harder. Structurally harder. Poetically dramatically harder. Harder.
Certainly more intriguing.
I don’t like this as a poem that keeps me guessing. If that’s what you’re going for, make it longer. But then, of course, making it longer would give away the game. So, if you’re wanting this to be a light read that upon close reading raises questions, maybe break the rules and say so. If not, a title like, “Sophisticated Mama Love” or something would determine the nature of it.
I might be miscued by several aspects. Rereading, there’s a past and a future and no present. Paired with a nom d’screen like “Sophisticated Mama” it feels like there’s a false relationship.
What a puzzle. It’s lovely to read. I’m soft-dodging into my thoughts because the other crits didn’t read what I read. Since you didn’t bracket “no title yet,” I assume that’s the title.
This poem can be read one of two ways, and I think you should pick one.
This is either (1) a poem about a union over years that bears a child. It feels like an enagagement proposal, a eulogy, and a present contemplation. And each turn avoids cliche.
If this is a poem meant for a specific person in your life or someone’s life, pseudonymously “Sophisticated Mama,” you don’t need to change a word.
On the other hand.
(2) If Sophisticated Mama is the screen name of an online companion, and surely it is, then this poem is a lot harder to assess. Emotionally harder. Structurally harder. Poetically dramatically harder. Harder.
Certainly more intriguing.
I don’t like this as a poem that keeps me guessing. If that’s what you’re going for, make it longer. But then, of course, making it longer would give away the game. So, if you’re wanting this to be a light read that upon close reading raises questions, maybe break the rules and say so. If not, a title like, “Sophisticated Mama Love” or something would determine the nature of it.
I might be miscued by several aspects. Rereading, there’s a past and a future and no present. Paired with a nom d’screen like “Sophisticated Mama” it feels like there’s a false relationship.
A yak is normal.