06-21-2024, 12:04 AM
Hi Tiger,
I was wondering if you could cut rather than add?
Also, perhaps revisit the title: as it is I want to ask how does the voyeur know her name? "Twenty-second fix" might work?
Did you consider first person?
Given 'fix' 'narcotic' seems a bit redundant.
And, 'bobbing' (given the voyeurs obsession) seems rather weak (and doesn't seem to fit with 'swaying hips' - is Tango the right dance here?
She passes on Tuesdays
and Thursdays, just
after three; always
wearing headphones
and bobbing to the beat
of joy. I wait
at the peephole
for my twenty-second fix
of swaying hips
as she tangoes
with a vacuum
to a song I cannot hear.
Best, Knot
.
I was wondering if you could cut rather than add?
Also, perhaps revisit the title: as it is I want to ask how does the voyeur know her name? "Twenty-second fix" might work?
Did you consider first person?
Given 'fix' 'narcotic' seems a bit redundant.
And, 'bobbing' (given the voyeurs obsession) seems rather weak (and doesn't seem to fit with 'swaying hips' - is Tango the right dance here?
She passes on Tuesdays
and Thursdays, just
after three; always
wearing headphones
and bobbing to the beat
of joy. I wait
at the peephole
for my twenty-second fix
of swaying hips
as she tangoes
with a vacuum
to a song I cannot hear.
Best, Knot
.