06-18-2024, 11:37 PM
Hi Bryn,
there's something here, something lyrical, but it's rather lost amongst the clutter.
(And the absent title isn't helping figure out what it is.)
Sophisticated Mama come dance with me. ............ don't understand the why of 'Sophisticated Mama' but it's not too hard to simply go with it. Are you hearing the Blues?
Swing free in the ropey jungle of my arms, .......... not keen on this for two reasons. Over here 'ropy' (the more common spelling) means in poor condition and that distracts, but also I'd like to know a bit more about SM and why she's being invited to dance.
let me float away on the ocean of your hips; ........... like this line, but the next one baffles (also, you've jungle/ocean/mountain in quick succession but in the rest of the poem you focus on weather/seasons/colours, even flowers, so what purpose do these images serve? Returning to the mountain pass at the end is fine, but it's significance seems to be only for N and SM, not the reader.)
didn’t we get lost in the mountain pass?
Sophisticated Mama wasn’t this how it was?
Those years, lazy yawning blooms of Spring; ....... the narrator may know what 'those years' refer to, but I'm drawing a blank
lilac, honeysuckle, plump buds of red, red rose.
Then that Summer heat, those thunderstorms,
electric peels of light that split the sky—
didn’t we get wet and wild! Sophisticated Mama ..... feels like a lot of clichés here, from the flowers to 'wet and wild'.
didn’t those bright colors of spring and summer,
now, seem to last only those two ticks of the clock? ... 'two ticks' doesn't feel like a strong image, to me.
I’ll tell you, Sophisticated Mama, some fear the fall ........ what would happen if you started here and ended with the opening line?
into the long greying, thinking only of fading colors. ....... doesn't 'long greying' (nice phrase) encompass 'fading colours'? What do the colours fade into (if not grey?)
I’ve been waiting and waiting more to hold you before
the hearth of our smoldering fire, relishing the lazy grey .... don't think it works to repeat 'grey' here. (Not to mention this is the second 'lazy' - S3)
of evening’s warmth spent against winter’s inevitable chill.
I’ll tell you, Sophisticated Mama, when we fall down
the long slope of winter’s first night, I hope we dance; ........... Struggle with 'first night' and 'long slope'. Why is the first night long?
two flakes of snow twirling again through the mountain
pass to land upon a child’s mitten, melting together
under her laughter, happy only that it is snowing. ................. this feels a little contrived, it doesn't flow as naturally as elsewhere in the piece. And who is 'happy only that it is snowing'? The child or the couple, or both?
And I'm left wondering how does it snow in a ropey jungle?
Best, Knot
.
there's something here, something lyrical, but it's rather lost amongst the clutter.
(And the absent title isn't helping figure out what it is.)
Sophisticated Mama come dance with me. ............ don't understand the why of 'Sophisticated Mama' but it's not too hard to simply go with it. Are you hearing the Blues?
Swing free in the ropey jungle of my arms, .......... not keen on this for two reasons. Over here 'ropy' (the more common spelling) means in poor condition and that distracts, but also I'd like to know a bit more about SM and why she's being invited to dance.
let me float away on the ocean of your hips; ........... like this line, but the next one baffles (also, you've jungle/ocean/mountain in quick succession but in the rest of the poem you focus on weather/seasons/colours, even flowers, so what purpose do these images serve? Returning to the mountain pass at the end is fine, but it's significance seems to be only for N and SM, not the reader.)
didn’t we get lost in the mountain pass?
Sophisticated Mama wasn’t this how it was?
Those years, lazy yawning blooms of Spring; ....... the narrator may know what 'those years' refer to, but I'm drawing a blank
lilac, honeysuckle, plump buds of red, red rose.
Then that Summer heat, those thunderstorms,
electric peels of light that split the sky—
didn’t we get wet and wild! Sophisticated Mama ..... feels like a lot of clichés here, from the flowers to 'wet and wild'.
didn’t those bright colors of spring and summer,
now, seem to last only those two ticks of the clock? ... 'two ticks' doesn't feel like a strong image, to me.
I’ll tell you, Sophisticated Mama, some fear the fall ........ what would happen if you started here and ended with the opening line?
into the long greying, thinking only of fading colors. ....... doesn't 'long greying' (nice phrase) encompass 'fading colours'? What do the colours fade into (if not grey?)
I’ve been waiting and waiting more to hold you before
the hearth of our smoldering fire, relishing the lazy grey .... don't think it works to repeat 'grey' here. (Not to mention this is the second 'lazy' - S3)
of evening’s warmth spent against winter’s inevitable chill.
I’ll tell you, Sophisticated Mama, when we fall down
the long slope of winter’s first night, I hope we dance; ........... Struggle with 'first night' and 'long slope'. Why is the first night long?
two flakes of snow twirling again through the mountain
pass to land upon a child’s mitten, melting together
under her laughter, happy only that it is snowing. ................. this feels a little contrived, it doesn't flow as naturally as elsewhere in the piece. And who is 'happy only that it is snowing'? The child or the couple, or both?
And I'm left wondering how does it snow in a ropey jungle?
Best, Knot
.