06-17-2024, 05:15 PM
#
Please utilize grammar and syntax in a riddling poem. Otherwise, the best interpretation will be, this is sloppy. Here, “headache corkscrews the wine and you” is enough to make me not want to consider if she and you are the same person. It should be “the wine, and you pour a glass alone.”
Also, please post the title of the poem above the body in your post.
Here, the title changes everything. So, what looks like a goofy poem about a vacation looks very different when you add the title. This poem:
—————
Watermelon juice breakfast
insisted on a day at the beach
with your love.
Unpacking wet towels, the zebra mussel cut
shifts your weight to the left foot
as sunburn peels your neck.
When she walks in the room,
headache corkscrews the wine
and you pour a glass alone.
—————
Becomes this poem:
—————
Itinerary
Watermelon juice breakfast
insisted on a day at the beach
with your love.
Unpacking wet towels, the zebra mussel cut
shifts your weight to the left foot
as sunburn peels your neck.
When she walks in the room,
headache corkscrews the wine
and you pour a glass alone.
—————
These two poems are very different.
Finally, zebra mussels have thin shells. I appreciate the black-white imagery, but a zebra mussel can’t cut your foot. So, “zebra mussel cut” is either a miscue or an intended inclusion meant to let us know the subject of this poem is a liar.
In sum, this is either a bad riddling poem full of miscues, or an excellent riddling poem with a few minor errors.
I can’t complete the critique until I know which it is.
A note to commenters: when nouns are almost the same, it means something. Watermelon juice and wine should have been noted as opposites already.
Please utilize grammar and syntax in a riddling poem. Otherwise, the best interpretation will be, this is sloppy. Here, “headache corkscrews the wine and you” is enough to make me not want to consider if she and you are the same person. It should be “the wine, and you pour a glass alone.”
Also, please post the title of the poem above the body in your post.
Here, the title changes everything. So, what looks like a goofy poem about a vacation looks very different when you add the title. This poem:
—————
Watermelon juice breakfast
insisted on a day at the beach
with your love.
Unpacking wet towels, the zebra mussel cut
shifts your weight to the left foot
as sunburn peels your neck.
When she walks in the room,
headache corkscrews the wine
and you pour a glass alone.
—————
Becomes this poem:
—————
Itinerary
Watermelon juice breakfast
insisted on a day at the beach
with your love.
Unpacking wet towels, the zebra mussel cut
shifts your weight to the left foot
as sunburn peels your neck.
When she walks in the room,
headache corkscrews the wine
and you pour a glass alone.
—————
These two poems are very different.
Finally, zebra mussels have thin shells. I appreciate the black-white imagery, but a zebra mussel can’t cut your foot. So, “zebra mussel cut” is either a miscue or an intended inclusion meant to let us know the subject of this poem is a liar.
In sum, this is either a bad riddling poem full of miscues, or an excellent riddling poem with a few minor errors.
I can’t complete the critique until I know which it is.
A note to commenters: when nouns are almost the same, it means something. Watermelon juice and wine should have been noted as opposites already.
A yak is normal.