05-22-2024, 01:58 PM
Hello armadillo,
I mentioned grass because it was something you could brush away. Soot and dust don't sit right with me, and I don't think you can brush a haze. Think on it a little.
I also think the jerky lines kill the flow, you have to pause between each line to read them. It's also strange to introduce an element like that in a poem with clean line breaks up until that point.
For emphasis on the fragments of thought, you should consistently make the longer stanzas rambling while the short thinner ones cut them off. You did that the best with the third stanza.
You introduce the Caretaker in the first line with cream of wheat, which throws me off. It's better that he comes in later while the other guy is rambling, to show that he was listening to him the whole time. In short: first line needs cutting.
Also, distinguish between the Caretaker and the patient more. The Caretaker's stanza sounds just as jerky as the patient's tangent, which makes me think he's him. Add more tangible elements in this poem to even it out.
.........
Keep in mind these are critiques based on my preferences. I'm not technically advanced at poetry critique. I just tells it how I sees it.
.......
The book idea sounds interesting. Share the progress here, if you can. We love that kinda stuff around here.
I mentioned grass because it was something you could brush away. Soot and dust don't sit right with me, and I don't think you can brush a haze. Think on it a little.
I also think the jerky lines kill the flow, you have to pause between each line to read them. It's also strange to introduce an element like that in a poem with clean line breaks up until that point.
For emphasis on the fragments of thought, you should consistently make the longer stanzas rambling while the short thinner ones cut them off. You did that the best with the third stanza.
You introduce the Caretaker in the first line with cream of wheat, which throws me off. It's better that he comes in later while the other guy is rambling, to show that he was listening to him the whole time. In short: first line needs cutting.
Also, distinguish between the Caretaker and the patient more. The Caretaker's stanza sounds just as jerky as the patient's tangent, which makes me think he's him. Add more tangible elements in this poem to even it out.
.........
Keep in mind these are critiques based on my preferences. I'm not technically advanced at poetry critique. I just tells it how I sees it.
.......
The book idea sounds interesting. Share the progress here, if you can. We love that kinda stuff around here.