A Sworn Statement (new title: Fool's Gold)

[brynmawr1]

Fool’s Gold

Backlit by dawn, 
cirrus clouds guide the sky,           I think you could do more with this line; get more abstract less literal.  specifically cirrus and guide. Get crazy but relevant, give context.
a hemisphere of dominance          invert  "dominance of a hemisphere"  hemisphere seems the dominant word here. also connotations of brain.  even hemispheres, cut 'a'
before consciousness fragments
the oneness of first waking.       I liked solitude.  cut 'first'; both for rhythm and redundancy.

Morning’s lucidity
crowded out of the alembic torn about these two lines. The vocabulary seems too much.  miss the clattering wheels.  Alternate below.
by the homunculi

Morning's lucidity arrives
clattering wheels of a wooden cart (could even make 'clattering' its own line)
revolutions
of memory....
 
of memory, movement, and recognition    I like the rhythm of this line but maybe end with a dash-
into another day    cut this for echo with penultimate line
where it fades 
another failed experiment
for my alchemist spirit. maybe 'of' or 'this'?  or cut 'for my'  and just use 'of'. The 'alchemist' is great. and the slant rhyme.

A Sworn Statement

Powdered pearl dusts the sky
to the west, backlit by dawn,
a hemisphere of dominance
dancing to the tune of caffeine
and consciousness before the fall
into social confusion fragments
the solitude of first awakening.

Memory arrives with its clattering 
like the wheels of  a wooden cart
weighed down with the revolution
of bodily functions, heart and lungs
demanding recognition and return.
Flesh and blood suck up gravity
until muscles rebel against immobility.

Eyes revert to the day’s pavement,
ears to the interruptions of action.
Words flee back into the silence
of thought, uncertain, self-doubting.
I rise up and the moment has vanished
into footsteps, voices, and disbelief.
This is the testimony of my loss.

hey TqB,
There is much of the first version that I miss.  I find it hard to mess with your voice.  I think we would be better off designing courses divining your meaning than, well, what we are doing.  But isn't being a back seat driver so much easier!?
Take care,
bryn