A Sworn Statement (new title: Fool's Gold)

[Knot]

Hi TqB,
strong start, but I'm afraid I couldn't follow you into verse three. Got totally lost.
Each verse seems to be about two lines too long, might be worth a prune here and there.

S1 - could almost hear it sung, and the (to me) assonance between pearl and fall works really well.

S2 - is there anything more evocative/interesting than the rather 'plain' arrives?
S3 - same objection to flee back

S2 - Struggle a bit with both revolution and return (doesn't the first imply the second?) And what is demanding recognition?

S3 - what's the difference between uncertain, self-doubting and disbelief?


To the west powdered pearl
dusts the sky, backlit by dawn,
a hemisphere of dominance
dancing to the tune of caffeine

and consciousness before the fall.

Memory comes with its clattering
like the wheels of a wooden cart
weighed down with the revolution
of bodily functions, heart and lungs

demanding recognition and return.

Words flee back into the silence
of thought, uncertain, self-doubting.
I rise up and the moment has vanished
into footsteps, voices, and disbelief.

This is the testimony of my loss.


Best, Knot


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