04-29-2024, 03:04 AM
TqB,
Thank you for your input. I've considered what you said and I think I may have edited some things too hastily. I'm now having second thoughts on the refrigerator tree. After further pondering, I think that madrone trunk would fit better. I think it seems more natural and also period-accurate. I mean refrigerators weren't even really a thing at the time that this poem is vaguely set in.
I also think velvet is important to the poem, as it is (to some degree) in the book. I tried to work it in with a better line.
I'm going to reinstate hues as well, since I just really like that word and it sounds good. It fits, to me.
I think I have been overeager to edit things in this poem and not willing enough to argue for why certain things should be able to stay.
Thanks,
aac
Hi Knot,
I have a slightly newer edit out at this time, considering both your input and TqB's.
Sure, but does it fit with the memory immediately described?
I feel like it does. I think the idea there is that the speaker is thinking about how Lennie's happiness and hope, essentially, was ripped away. I think it's shudder worthy.
Feels a bit obvious, and redundant after 'Milk and Honey'.
Yes, and I know rabbits are also important to Lennie, but the fat of the land is a constantly recurring phrase and idea in OM&M. I think it fits best, so I believe it should stay.
You tell me his world is vacant, but where (in the poem, not the book) are the examples? And does it matter? The poem is about what the narrator remembers, it's their version of events (it isn't really a character study of Lennie, is it?)
I think it fits, especially because George is the speaker. George thought of Lennie as really stupid and often disparaged him for it when they got into trouble. He still cared for him deeply underneath that exterior, but I think "vacant world" is consistent for how George perceives Lennie's understanding of the world around him.
I think you could get there more smoothly (developing the migrant labourer theme)
I like that verse you created, and I would use it if I weren't so concerned with it being largely my own work. I also like some of the descriptive language I used, but I agree with the issue on flow. I tried to improve the flow a bit, see what you think.
Refrigerator tree
I keep flip-flopping on this, but based on TqB's feedback I've been lured back to madrone trunk. It just feels more natural to me and preserves the bucolic and in-line with nature imagery that I try to have consistently throughout the poem.
I agree that ending on slaughter is stronger. I think that I'm going to re-add some of the stuff I edited out but try to make it more coherent.
I think I'm getting to a place where I'm happy with how this poem is.
Thank you,
aac
Thank you for your input. I've considered what you said and I think I may have edited some things too hastily. I'm now having second thoughts on the refrigerator tree. After further pondering, I think that madrone trunk would fit better. I think it seems more natural and also period-accurate. I mean refrigerators weren't even really a thing at the time that this poem is vaguely set in.
I also think velvet is important to the poem, as it is (to some degree) in the book. I tried to work it in with a better line.
I'm going to reinstate hues as well, since I just really like that word and it sounds good. It fits, to me.
I think I have been overeager to edit things in this poem and not willing enough to argue for why certain things should be able to stay.
Thanks,
aac
Hi Knot,
I have a slightly newer edit out at this time, considering both your input and TqB's.
Sure, but does it fit with the memory immediately described?
I feel like it does. I think the idea there is that the speaker is thinking about how Lennie's happiness and hope, essentially, was ripped away. I think it's shudder worthy.
Feels a bit obvious, and redundant after 'Milk and Honey'.
Yes, and I know rabbits are also important to Lennie, but the fat of the land is a constantly recurring phrase and idea in OM&M. I think it fits best, so I believe it should stay.
You tell me his world is vacant, but where (in the poem, not the book) are the examples? And does it matter? The poem is about what the narrator remembers, it's their version of events (it isn't really a character study of Lennie, is it?)
I think it fits, especially because George is the speaker. George thought of Lennie as really stupid and often disparaged him for it when they got into trouble. He still cared for him deeply underneath that exterior, but I think "vacant world" is consistent for how George perceives Lennie's understanding of the world around him.
I think you could get there more smoothly (developing the migrant labourer theme)
I like that verse you created, and I would use it if I weren't so concerned with it being largely my own work. I also like some of the descriptive language I used, but I agree with the issue on flow. I tried to improve the flow a bit, see what you think.
Refrigerator tree
I keep flip-flopping on this, but based on TqB's feedback I've been lured back to madrone trunk. It just feels more natural to me and preserves the bucolic and in-line with nature imagery that I try to have consistently throughout the poem.
I agree that ending on slaughter is stronger. I think that I'm going to re-add some of the stuff I edited out but try to make it more coherent.
I think I'm getting to a place where I'm happy with how this poem is.
Thank you,
aac