crimson bank (wt) (edit 2.75)

[Knot]

Hi aac,

I think shudder represents kind of an involuntary reaction the speaker's body has to the more bitter memories of Lennie as they race through his brain

Sure, but does it fit with the memory immediately described?

I don't know if that'll stay.

Feels a bit obvious, and redundant after 'Milk and Honey'.

what do you mean?

You tell me his world is vacant, but where (in the poem, not the book) are the examples? And does it matter? The poem is about what the narrator remembers, it's their version of events (it isn't really a character study of Lennie, is it?) With this in mind, see below.

Yeah, I guess. I think that's kind of the point though. I'm trying to convey a dramatic change, maybe "the well" died suddenly. Also that imagery helps with the dust bowl stuff and also sort of shows that Lennie was a farm laborer.

I think you could get there more smoothly (developing the migrant labourer theme)

I blamed the well he sprang from,

the roads, the fields, the dust.

The dreams that blew away

I got rid of balm, I see now that it's pretty redundant. Also I like refrigerator tree, that's a good idea.

It was your description

Milk and Honey

I shudder at the thought of him,

sitting hungry for the fat of the land ... wiki says his dream was rabbits (and fat of the land feels a bit abstract, lacking immediacy.)

but only served a bowl of dust.

I blamed the well he sprang from, in vain.

The well had since dried. A husk,

like brittle chaff sprinkled through his fingertips.

I should have never let him out of my sight.

We lost it all when he couldn’t let go, ... verse needs another line (either a new line 2 or 3)

I still hear his ragged weeping, dumbfounded

as a newborn colt, wet from the womb

and bound for slaughter. ......... I think ending on 'slaughter' is stronger.

Best, Knot

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