04-29-2024, 01:59 AM
Hi Knot,
Really appreciate your continued feedback, I like a lot of the things you mentioned. See what you think of the new edit 2, made with consideration to both yours and rowens' replies (grammar agh).
Wondered about 'a bowl of dust' for an alternative title, or even something like 'newborn colt'.
Hmmm. I like 'newborn colt', or something related to his child-like quality.
maybe revisit 'shudder'? What is it revealing about the narrator?
I like shudder. In the book he had to I think shudder represents kind of an involuntary reaction the speaker's body has to the more bitter memories of Lennie as they race through his brain
And 'fatta' the land' doesn't convince
Hmm, I think this is a book specific thing. It's a memorable quote from the book and also is the main motivation for the protagonists. It kind of keeps the food metaphor in the first verse as well. I did change it slightly to "fat of the land" for right now, I don't know if that'll stay.
'fondly' sets up an expectation the isn't delivered by the rest of the verse.
And thus is no more. I like that verse more without any adverb or descriptive word in that place now that you bring it to my attention.
I recall him, under thin shade
fumbling after periscope snakes
in the creek. Shrieking like a child
when they bit, but barely
drawing blood. A big kid
really, for all his strength.
I like this, I tried to use it as an influence for the reworked line. I don't know yet if I want to add a whole new verse for that idea, but see what you think of how it stands now.
where is the 'vacant world' if you cut this line?
what do you mean?
maybe start this verse with this line? Or, deep breath, cut it completely. It might be more interesting to go from the snake bite straight to 'I blame ...'
I reordered and rewrote this part a bit, you'll see in the new edit.
what does 'in vain' add?
I thought of it as a transitory statement. Thought process: george blames "well" in vain -> why in vain? -> because the "well" has dried. Does that make sense?
bit of a leap from well to chaff, isn't it?
Yeah, I guess. I think that's kind of the point though. I'm trying to convey a dramatic change, maybe "the well" died suddenly. Also that imagery helps with the dust bowl stuff and also sort of shows that Lennie was a farm laborer.
do you need both 'succouring' and 'balm', and perhaps 'refrigerator tree' would be a more arresting image?
I got rid of balm, I see now that it's pretty redundant. Also I like refrigerator tree, that's a good idea.
I think this is a better end, but for the repetition of 'colt' (and 'bright'). Perhaps something like
Yeah, that's a good suggestion. I tried something similar in the new edit, see what you think.
Alrighty, let's see how it stands now.
Regards,
aac
Really appreciate your continued feedback, I like a lot of the things you mentioned. See what you think of the new edit 2, made with consideration to both yours and rowens' replies (grammar agh).
Wondered about 'a bowl of dust' for an alternative title, or even something like 'newborn colt'.
Hmmm. I like 'newborn colt', or something related to his child-like quality.
maybe revisit 'shudder'? What is it revealing about the narrator?
I like shudder. In the book he had to
And 'fatta' the land' doesn't convince
Hmm, I think this is a book specific thing. It's a memorable quote from the book and also is the main motivation for the protagonists. It kind of keeps the food metaphor in the first verse as well. I did change it slightly to "fat of the land" for right now, I don't know if that'll stay.
'fondly' sets up an expectation the isn't delivered by the rest of the verse.
And thus is no more. I like that verse more without any adverb or descriptive word in that place now that you bring it to my attention.
I recall him, under thin shade
fumbling after periscope snakes
in the creek. Shrieking like a child
when they bit, but barely
drawing blood. A big kid
really, for all his strength.
I like this, I tried to use it as an influence for the reworked line. I don't know yet if I want to add a whole new verse for that idea, but see what you think of how it stands now.
where is the 'vacant world' if you cut this line?
what do you mean?
maybe start this verse with this line? Or, deep breath, cut it completely. It might be more interesting to go from the snake bite straight to 'I blame ...'
I reordered and rewrote this part a bit, you'll see in the new edit.
what does 'in vain' add?
I thought of it as a transitory statement. Thought process: george blames "well" in vain -> why in vain? -> because the "well" has dried. Does that make sense?
bit of a leap from well to chaff, isn't it?
Yeah, I guess. I think that's kind of the point though. I'm trying to convey a dramatic change, maybe "the well" died suddenly. Also that imagery helps with the dust bowl stuff and also sort of shows that Lennie was a farm laborer.
do you need both 'succouring' and 'balm', and perhaps 'refrigerator tree' would be a more arresting image?
I got rid of balm, I see now that it's pretty redundant. Also I like refrigerator tree, that's a good idea.
I think this is a better end, but for the repetition of 'colt' (and 'bright'). Perhaps something like
Yeah, that's a good suggestion. I tried something similar in the new edit, see what you think.
Alrighty, let's see how it stands now.
Regards,
aac