crimson bank (wt) (edit 2.75)

[armadillosarecool]

Him, ends on that note, of as if him is so important
and he is, since he's slanga real
and only gets a but

I think I understand.


This part is a whole Whole delivery
A spontaneous use of gag-meter.
The pinhole wound against a gaping crater is topnotch.
"that formed his vacant world" is almost weak, but you actually make it happen, here. Good work.  

Thanks. I presume "almost weak" is good enough to stay.


the We/he is well slipped in here

Thanks.


sounds trite and nonsensical, and is

Yeah, I should have worded some of it better. The idea that I want is there but it sounds a bit corny. I'll work on it. Context helps this one a bit, too.


I'm not reading the poem in context right now. I might do that later. 
That may help with some of that stuff.



The sonics work. 'Well' and 'vain' work.
"Sprang" and all that.
OK, like I'm that girl, Charismatic Voice talking sound, I'm talking sonic riffs and thought, husk, brittle, chaff
and through the fingertips is like through hard -- separations -- of life.

Didn't expect to see Charismatic Voice make an appearance. Glad the sonics seemed to have checked out. I love Gerard Manley Hopkins' stuff, so I like to mess with stresses and vocal sound effects like he's famous for. The Windhover is a fantastic poem.




Before the end, I recall his crooked smile,

This is obviously  a creepypasta confessional joke

Obviously.




I'd cut colt out of one line, but the repeat works.

I've considered it, but the repetition has grown on me and I can't think of anything that I like better.


Thanks for the feedback, hopefully I'm awake enough to be responding to it.

aac