04-27-2024, 10:23 PM
Hi AaC
Bit of a puzzler, for me.
You've a lot of repetitions (after, wound, well, bore, recall and strike) and the language (occasionally archaic, other-times conversational) clashes rather than compliments.
Then there's the title, why isn't it 'three strikes' or 'the third strike'? And why if 'he' is in the past (I recall) is strike three 'ahead'?
crimson bank ................ not making much of an impression.
I recall him best under thin shade, ............. not sure what 'best' means here.
fumbling after periscope snakes in the creek.
After, he’d embrace the madrone trunk,
courting relief from dry heat. ......... I think the second 'after' really weakens this verse, and I'm not sure about 'courting'. Perhaps a slight change ...
I recall him best, fumbling
after periscope snakes in the creek,
embracing the madrone trunk
when the day grew too hot.
?
Strike one, for a snake that nicked him, ....... the sudden 'strike one' makes me wonder what the point of the opening verse is. It feels like you've jumped into another poem.
he shrieked and sucked imagined venom from the .... 'shrieked'? how old is he?
paper-thin wound, unlike the gaping wound
that shaped a vacant world.
He sat hungry for a taste of freedom, denied ........ I'd be tempted to use this as the beginning of the second verse. Something like ...
I recall him sitting hungry
for a taste of freedom. Blaming
the well ...
by a twist of fate. He cried out in accusation, ........ all rather melodramatic (not my taste, so take comment with a pinch of salt.)
blaming the well he sprang from; in vain.
The well had dried since then. To him,
it never bore water at all. Unto me, .............. 'unto'? Really?
the well bore but a burden. Strike two, ......... Surely 'strike two' should begin its own verse?)
from a velvet temptation in the weeds
where he strayed too far.
I recall his crooked smile, succoring
my soul as though a warming balm.
I recall his ragged weeping, dumbfounded
as a newborn colt in a world of color. ........... I can't see what contribution this verse is making to the piece. It doesn't really advance his 'character' nor the narrative/story.
Ahead lies:
Strike Three. ............ To me this feels disappointing. Where is strike three?
Best, Knot
.
Bit of a puzzler, for me.
You've a lot of repetitions (after, wound, well, bore, recall and strike) and the language (occasionally archaic, other-times conversational) clashes rather than compliments.
Then there's the title, why isn't it 'three strikes' or 'the third strike'? And why if 'he' is in the past (I recall) is strike three 'ahead'?
crimson bank ................ not making much of an impression.
I recall him best under thin shade, ............. not sure what 'best' means here.
fumbling after periscope snakes in the creek.
After, he’d embrace the madrone trunk,
courting relief from dry heat. ......... I think the second 'after' really weakens this verse, and I'm not sure about 'courting'. Perhaps a slight change ...
I recall him best, fumbling
after periscope snakes in the creek,
embracing the madrone trunk
when the day grew too hot.
?
Strike one, for a snake that nicked him, ....... the sudden 'strike one' makes me wonder what the point of the opening verse is. It feels like you've jumped into another poem.
he shrieked and sucked imagined venom from the .... 'shrieked'? how old is he?
paper-thin wound, unlike the gaping wound
that shaped a vacant world.
He sat hungry for a taste of freedom, denied ........ I'd be tempted to use this as the beginning of the second verse. Something like ...
I recall him sitting hungry
for a taste of freedom. Blaming
the well ...
by a twist of fate. He cried out in accusation, ........ all rather melodramatic (not my taste, so take comment with a pinch of salt.)
blaming the well he sprang from; in vain.
The well had dried since then. To him,
it never bore water at all. Unto me, .............. 'unto'? Really?
the well bore but a burden. Strike two, ......... Surely 'strike two' should begin its own verse?)
from a velvet temptation in the weeds
where he strayed too far.
I recall his crooked smile, succoring
my soul as though a warming balm.
I recall his ragged weeping, dumbfounded
as a newborn colt in a world of color. ........... I can't see what contribution this verse is making to the piece. It doesn't really advance his 'character' nor the narrative/story.
Ahead lies:
Strike Three. ............ To me this feels disappointing. Where is strike three?
Best, Knot
.