03-22-2024, 01:03 AM
Hi Wjames.
liked the beginning and the end, but thought it lost its balance in the middle - 'outside yourself' lack detail, whereas 'a black foster ... salmon' contains too much, and none relevant ... at least as far as I can see.
Similarly, S5 seems to start something that never quite gets finished.
Touch Barrier ....... also confused by this.
Pretending to read a book ........... given 'You' in S2, shouldn't this begin with 'You're pretending ...'?
at the small round table by the window
overlooking the park, a bell jingles
as she opens the door and eyes .......... not a good place to break, and 'eyes about' seems odd (especially has you have the familiar - too familiar? - 'eyes lock' later.)
about the room. ..... is 'room' the right word? You're in a coffee shop of some kind, right?
You linger on the book before meeting her gaze,
rising with a grin and joining her in line
quipping grey about the weather. ........ very nice line.
The mumbled it’s nice to meet yous
and coffee orders happen outside yourself. ........... do you need this? That the 'orders happen' can be inferred from 'at the table'.
At the table, you talk about the cat
in one of the pictures on her profile,
a black foster named Fox
who loves tuna but won’t touch salmon.
She says she likes music with simple melodies,
something that gets buried in the ear
and rises every few months to be hummed.
She’s wearing a green cardigan
with a modestly revealing white top underneath,
and her brown eyes lock with yours.
When the drinks are finished, ............. thought it was 'coffee' - 'drinks' suggests alcohol.
you stroll down the trail in the park
stopping to sit at a bench by the pond. ..... it's a nice ending, just not sure why they are still together after the coffees, what happened? 'Eyes lock' doesn't seem sufficient, for me.
Best, Knot
.
liked the beginning and the end, but thought it lost its balance in the middle - 'outside yourself' lack detail, whereas 'a black foster ... salmon' contains too much, and none relevant ... at least as far as I can see.
Similarly, S5 seems to start something that never quite gets finished.
Touch Barrier ....... also confused by this.
Pretending to read a book ........... given 'You' in S2, shouldn't this begin with 'You're pretending ...'?
at the small round table by the window
overlooking the park, a bell jingles
as she opens the door and eyes .......... not a good place to break, and 'eyes about' seems odd (especially has you have the familiar - too familiar? - 'eyes lock' later.)
about the room. ..... is 'room' the right word? You're in a coffee shop of some kind, right?
You linger on the book before meeting her gaze,
rising with a grin and joining her in line
quipping grey about the weather. ........ very nice line.
The mumbled it’s nice to meet yous
and coffee orders happen outside yourself. ........... do you need this? That the 'orders happen' can be inferred from 'at the table'.
At the table, you talk about the cat
in one of the pictures on her profile,
a black foster named Fox
who loves tuna but won’t touch salmon.
She says she likes music with simple melodies,
something that gets buried in the ear
and rises every few months to be hummed.
She’s wearing a green cardigan
with a modestly revealing white top underneath,
and her brown eyes lock with yours.
When the drinks are finished, ............. thought it was 'coffee' - 'drinks' suggests alcohol.
you stroll down the trail in the park
stopping to sit at a bench by the pond. ..... it's a nice ending, just not sure why they are still together after the coffees, what happened? 'Eyes lock' doesn't seem sufficient, for me.
Best, Knot
.