03-03-2024, 10:14 AM
edit3;
I wear the darkly shaded eyes of age:
a newly sagging epicanthic fold
(so few discarded decades since my birth)
surprised me. Shall I yield to weary rage
embittered at this mark of growing old
or welcome rest’s approach a shadow’s-worth?
For the record, I don't quite agree with the critique in this case: to me (personally) the dashes indicate a sideline still connected by some logic to the outer sentence while parentheses set the included text off as a more unrelated idea. I don't have any difficulty stopping at the dash, and the idea is that I'm surprised - after the phrase - because it's been so few decades... why are my eyelids drooping already?
But that's me, and I know what's coming as the reader does not. And anyway, what's the point of asking for critique only to ignore it? So the suggestion is implemented. It still does about the same job... but, then, I know what's coming
. Commas would almost work, but not well.
I wear the darkly shaded eyes of age:
a newly sagging epicanthic fold
(so few discarded decades since my birth)
surprised me. Shall I yield to weary rage
embittered at this mark of growing old
or welcome rest’s approach a shadow’s-worth?
For the record, I don't quite agree with the critique in this case: to me (personally) the dashes indicate a sideline still connected by some logic to the outer sentence while parentheses set the included text off as a more unrelated idea. I don't have any difficulty stopping at the dash, and the idea is that I'm surprised - after the phrase - because it's been so few decades... why are my eyelids drooping already?
But that's me, and I know what's coming as the reader does not. And anyway, what's the point of asking for critique only to ignore it? So the suggestion is implemented. It still does about the same job... but, then, I know what's coming
. Commas would almost work, but not well.
Non-practicing atheist