January Oracle (edit)

[TranquillityBase]

HI TqB,
Sorry, I have been meaning to stop by for some time but haven't.  For some reason the formatting on this computer (I'm not home) is wonky so I can't provide in line comments at this time. But I will!  I can say that I liked the original in the context of using the I Ching to navigate something scary and too commonplace for a lot of people.  Your more focused revision also works but might be harder for people to relate too.  I will add more later.
Bryn

Thanks for the read.  I look forward to anything else you might add later.  I empathize about the wonky computer.  
TqB

---

I like the newer one more for sure, hope this helps

[quote="TranquillityBase" pid='268254' dateline='1705170711']
January Oracle

I throw my wheat pennies I don't know anything about the I ching, or wheat pennies, coming at the beginning makes a good setting
calculate my mortal future in broken
or unbroken lines.

I find myself in a ravine.
I must follow it to the end,
like a stream, filling each ragged hole
so I can move on. Filling ragged holes in a ravine or a stream? I don't understand the holes  

I have no map
only the I Ching
to withstand the delusions,
the jagged walls of this path. I don't think you NEED to tell us it's the I ching?

Beyond I traverse a meadow
where dragons have fought.
I step over the splashes
of yellow and black blood. Iim  guessing the colors of the dragon's bloods are symbolic

I close the book. I’m  left standing since we know it's the I ching closing the book does have two meanings at least, but feels awkward
on the shore of a lake,
before a mountain’s struggle with heaven,
and the question of the next second. Is 'second' important? 'And my next question' or something

CRNDLSM, thanks for the suggestions.  I guess I felt like I needed to name the I Ching, since it wouldn't be for sure that people would realize I was talking about it.  That is, I don't know how well known it is these days.  That's the trouble with being so f**king old; books, songs, movies etc  important to me are mostly forgotten or barely recognized. 
TqB

---

Hi TqB

I though the ‘specialist’ in the original gave the piece an edge/context that’s missing in the revision.
The problem, for me, was twofold: firstly not knowing that coins were used in the I Ching (thus the wheat pennies are explained) and second, the suddenness of ‘Beyond I traverse a meadow’ (I didn’t get much sense of N travelling through that ravine.)
Also, a ravine has only limited possibilities of movement (you go up or down, unless you choose to climb out of it) so difficult to see what role the I Ching is playing, or what the delusions might be.

Some passing thoughts ...

I find myself in a ravine.
where, like a stream,

I must fill each ragged hole
so I can move on.

I have no map
only the I Ching

to withstand the delusions,
I throw my wheat pennies

calculate my mortal future
in broken or unbroken lines. ……….. feels like a mention of a hexagram wouldn’t go amiss here

the jagged walls of this path
have led to a meadow

where dragons have fought.
I step over the splashes

of yellow and black blood
to the shore of a lake

to where a mountain struggles
with Heaven and the question

of the next second.
I close the book.


Best, Knot


.

Hi Knot,

Thanks for your always incisive response.  I like what you did with it at the end. 

I'm not sure whether to bring the "specialist" angle back in.  I didn't decide to add the specialist part until I was trying to come up with an ending, the hardest part of writing a poem for me (next to a title!).  So it's felt tacked on since I did it.  I have to come up with more details for each step of the poem.  

TqB