12-03-2023, 11:23 PM
Hello,
This is a good effort. It has a strong narrative of time's passage, contrasting the seasoned perspective of the protagonist with the vibrancy of youth. Paperwork stacking up like the years, although not entirely original, conveys a sense of accumulation and labor. The disdain for modern tech and youth, while somewhat predicable—on the cusp of a trope—, does add a nostalgic touch highlighting the ephemerality of the digital world (in contrast to the physical accumulation of paper—a more "real" byproduct of time's passing).
The physical descriptions, while present, lack originality and might benefit from more inventive language or unique perspectives. And the poem's structure could be refined for a more engaging rhythm.
Also, consider delving deeper into the emotions of the "old timer", providing more specific instances or memories to create a more authentic connection with the reader.
Nice read. Thanks for sharing it.
This is a good effort. It has a strong narrative of time's passage, contrasting the seasoned perspective of the protagonist with the vibrancy of youth. Paperwork stacking up like the years, although not entirely original, conveys a sense of accumulation and labor. The disdain for modern tech and youth, while somewhat predicable—on the cusp of a trope—, does add a nostalgic touch highlighting the ephemerality of the digital world (in contrast to the physical accumulation of paper—a more "real" byproduct of time's passing).
The physical descriptions, while present, lack originality and might benefit from more inventive language or unique perspectives. And the poem's structure could be refined for a more engaging rhythm.
Also, consider delving deeper into the emotions of the "old timer", providing more specific instances or memories to create a more authentic connection with the reader.
Nice read. Thanks for sharing it.