11-08-2023, 08:39 AM
(11-08-2023, 04:49 AM)windsor89 Wrote: Days stack into monthsIn mild to moderate critique, don't take any of the above comments too much to heart. It's a good theme to explore - the guy who's "been here forever" and keeps a bunch of records no one will ever look at again (been there, done that). I sympathize with his (inner) description of the new employees... and the Army wonders why it can't get any of them to volunteer!
and overflow into years perhaps "topple"
like the sheafs of paperwork "sheaves," though of course invention is to be prized
on his desk, dogeared
and earmarked with long hours "earmarked" fits with "dogeared," but not quite with the situation... bookmarked or sticky-noted
of labor. He shudders at the oft-thrown
comment about a laptop or server, or thumb drive?
to house his files, with its new fangled
features and vulgar price tag.
His retirement fund saw a glacial
expanse over years of measly paychecks, is "expanse" the right word? it increases slowly downhill...
wiping grime from his hot, freckled cheeks
and icing his callused hands. goes with glacial, good. Can frostbite be suggested?
His limbs were lithe and cased these three lines refer to his past, when he was "their" age. White space before?
his bones in strong skin and sure spirit.
His eyes gleamed with rebellion.
He scoffs at the young -uns
with their soft, lumpy flesh
hunched over their desks,
bleeding their rage into tweets.
Choices dance at their fingertips,
of jobs, cars, lovers, genders.... a break after this line, perhaps?
He clutches a memory of his late wife "clutches" seems an odd word for an item in his wallet, but it does draw a picture
in his tattered wallet, big blonde hair
and gap-toothed smile---his one true love
post a montage of forgotten romances. by "post" is meant "after" or "following" - is there a better word?
He glimpses a sign as he rubs tincture of iodine, a bit dated when the young-uns use salve or wound powder or the like... but he *is* dated
into a deep wound---it reads, "paper cuts hurt,
work safely." interesting concept, wounded by time/age
Some word choices are striking but seem not to quite fit (see above). That doesn't mean they're wrong, but in mild critique, you might consider alternatives that are equally striking but fit the image you're building better.
And I wonder if the description of his younger self could do without the white space between it and his thoughts about the young-uns... perhaps moving the break to when his thoughts (or ours) return to him and his late wife after the reference to modern gender-bending.
Again, no harsh criticism intended, it works but could be improved.
Non-practicing atheist

