10-28-2023, 10:34 PM
Hi Fearful,
lots to like (and quite a bit that could be cut.)
It feels a bit like two poems joined together - the first (lines 1-13) and the second (lines 14-26) - and I think both have merit, but not sure they work successfully as one piece.
Always he returned to jazz
but the boys called him “saxo-phony” .......... Surely this is the title?
cuz the way he bent that sax
dipped and died, straight from the horn's jaw —
eating the air like an ATV
flings dirt behind its wheels. But you
gotta understand, he thought
he was the cat's pajamas, Inuit’s
igloos, bee's knees or
just plain cool as a Q-
kumber. The way he made that horn weep — ........ you've 'horn' twice (maybe revisit one?)
lawless, he called it — full of gusto,
mayhem and not so original sin.
No one could blast it like Sam,
or wanted to. Except Sam Jr.
That boy'd get all popsicle and library book
quiet, like he was standing in the Taj
right as his pop let loose. And I
still don't understand, but oh
that boy wanted to play like Sam, pushing ......... this 'Sam' feels like one too many (any alternatives?)
ugly, twisted, torn and ruff.
Vicious how life
won't give nobody what they wanted.
X's and O's didn't go right in Jr.'s playbook, ya C. ......... not following the X's and O's
Yeah he But he kept on going
ended up in and out of rehab,
zonked out and lousy, of all places, in Florida. ............. the ending doesn't quite land, perhaps it needs to be a little tighter?
For me it's the second piece that is the stronger, the first just feels a bit like the preamble (and I'm not sure you need it.)
Best, Knot
.
lots to like (and quite a bit that could be cut.)
It feels a bit like two poems joined together - the first (lines 1-13) and the second (lines 14-26) - and I think both have merit, but not sure they work successfully as one piece.
Always he returned to jazz
but the boys called him “saxo-phony” .......... Surely this is the title?
cuz the way he bent that sax
dipped and died, straight from the horn's jaw —
eating the air like an ATV
flings dirt behind its wheels. But you
gotta understand, he thought
he was the cat's pajamas, Inuit’s
igloos, bee's knees or
just plain cool as a Q-
kumber. The way he made that horn weep — ........ you've 'horn' twice (maybe revisit one?)
lawless, he called it — full of gusto,
mayhem and not so original sin.
No one could blast it like Sam,
or wanted to. Except Sam Jr.
That boy'd get all popsicle and library book
quiet, like he was standing in the Taj
right as his pop let loose. And I
still don't understand, but oh
that boy wanted to play like Sam, pushing ......... this 'Sam' feels like one too many (any alternatives?)
ugly, twisted, torn and ruff.
Vicious how life
won't give nobody what they wanted.
X's and O's didn't go right in Jr.'s playbook, ya C. ......... not following the X's and O's
Yeah he But he kept on going
ended up in and out of rehab,
zonked out and lousy, of all places, in Florida. ............. the ending doesn't quite land, perhaps it needs to be a little tighter?
For me it's the second piece that is the stronger, the first just feels a bit like the preamble (and I'm not sure you need it.)
Best, Knot
.